I woke up once
and was out of time
the appointment cancelled my spot twice
make a mark and hit it on the dot


I hit him just to knock him down
I didn't think he'd just stay down
black and bruised like the cracked up
unpaved ground
I'd like it if you came to be
I'd like it if you came to see
I'd like it if you can to be with me

at twenty one we've just begun
i put the beer down
this is pointless.

found a negative polaroid,
void if previous use,
avoid meeting you
stuck in a gutter
of sun and rain that won't show
its ugly face these days
of blue and gray to damper on your day

Saw you smiling now
only upside down
all of these
people couldn't be
as in love with chasing the tail of a dream

Wonder
and wander
all over timesquare
and journal square
and you're not there.

trouble seemed to grab a hold
tugging at my ear, all the advice i'm told
falling beside me
in a puddle, sad and clean
you got from a book you borrowed once
but didn't ever read

I passed out on the square
and there you appeared
walking in circles
talking in circles,
your place in the middle
like you're standing there on purpose

I don't want to write anymore.

Last Year

A zig zagbecame so good at zagging,
a chorus tried to coerce zag
to not zig;
mellow little zig zag,
thought that zigging would make him
an artist of the heart,
if he felt that zigging
described how felt
so he scribbled
instead of zigging,
and dragged his cuffs
instead of wearing a suit
that wasn't his.
"but life is beautiful
when the moon is full
your words are ugly
and you need to learn melody"
said a stern looking elder
woman from some crowded pocket
of family
Magically,
I zagged when I should've zigged
and everything tasted like
my family described--like some sort of success
I didn't want,
some ugly poem
that read beautifully;
resplendence from a neon light,
and I wish, that I could die
but it wouldn't erase
the memory and marks--the trace and tracks
desicrated deserted draftless
fucking disguised, and now i'm left alone
and not the alone I wanted
all this time
Everything I taste,
tastes like silver,
and my fingerprints are green
and my morals are dollars
and my family's digging my grave
and reaching in my pocket
all this time,
I should've zigged
instead of zagged.

Rinse Gently

"So lie to me
about sobriety
wild and child-like
12 steps could save me
if I was 11 steps away from the edge"

Sometimes I forget where the whole "JDespers" thing comes from. I forget why my mother even bothered having me. My productivity level is somewhere between cripple and a rubber stapler. Working at night depresses me, and ever since I quit doing drugs and drinking I can't find a reason to be happy. Writing made me happy, but now my head just takes up space on top of my shoulders. I'm dumb-muscle and obviously a victim. My "inner voice" is of a woman. I get these knots in my chest whenever anyone talks to me-- I'm trying so hard to force myself to be interested, but really nothing leaves me wanting to get out of bed anymore. I'm not depressed, I just can't bring myself to buy into all of this bullshit-- iphones and things I don't care about. I'm gonna move to shytown and fit right in. Or Phoenix-town and melt, or Portland and play music. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be 40 still trying to write music-- like Bret Michaels or something embarassing.

fell asleep wishing I were somebody else,
woke and breathed with a sigh
trying to remember
to forgive myself
but this is neither the place
or the time
entertain the notion that comes back in my head
like i'm actually telling the truth
lived a bunch of lies and the promises said
until I broke them for you


stores won't close
cause you're not around
standing on her tip toes
you're so close
never coming down
an inch rising rose oh rose,
try to stay in today

grasping for a bottle
it'll save you the pain
if you take a pill or two
forcing out a smile
that hangs around for a while
until you're out of blues
maybe someday we can try
to be happy with what we've got
someday oneday I think I might
actually love you.