Spark Sensation

Coming so close to dying was like watching an old picture at the theater. The further I sat from the screen, the easier it was to make out the dots. These dots were subtle at first-- 2 dimensional and much like floaters fixed on making the eye wander. I looked over my emergency bed to see a little girl, an apparition in this life, but someone destined to be of grave importance in the next.

The dots swarmed around her lifeless little legs, and in a fury flashed over her entire body like fireworks. Her heart monitor flatlined, and she lay all alone.

I looked at the ceiling, and the sparks stayed over me. My monitor went on and off throughout the night, each time the sparks stayed like their were stuck in the night sky watching down on me.

There were stop signs that we sped through; red lights that we sped through and seatbelts that carressed our flesh until our veins bulged through our sleeves. I could feel my heart racing as if we were being chased, but we were trying to flee far away from the bondages of sitting still. Though still we sat, we drove with purpose and dare i say meaning.

The Trap Door was the bar we'd wash out in. It stood on a sidewalk where all the other stores were long closed. The Slow Modes ran shoot suites and sex stays there. We walked past as our knees, our hands even time dragged and my wrist watch slowed. By now, of course my watch was worn down from the Which Watch I had pawned for rent and more absinthe.

Out leveling
Parked cars in the street
the devils wish or seniority
I killed the old ones
to save a new born

Ideas to fling
under the kitchen sink
a christmas wish
I wasn't sick
Clean the closet
out with the basement

Paranoid composure
when the ground froze
heart pumped with the pressure
a frozen hose
Leave the front yard
bare like the back
as long as it looks neat
they're off your back
or dry in the open
emerging sun
you gotta thaw or remove it
either one
for all you people
the lesser evil

I lost my train of thought
so let me repeat again
in regards to relationships
and sexual deviance
I don't give a fuck
they've all been snuffed

Overdrawn exposure
the suns too close
gonna melt like a snowman
in second hand clothes
but I'm tired of pretending
there's more than a use
for poor entertainment
and there's my cue

there's no threat of a note
the best bet is a hole
i forget all the rest
of my home as a whole
just leave me out in the cold
just leave me out in the cold
just leave me out in the cold
and cover me before you go.

i think about having sex with you
even though i think i'd know what it'd feel like
i'm just about positive there's nothing to lose
but i am certain that i have no use
for you

and now the way you show me sex
won't convince me that its best
for me
and all of the images i think of
are simply glimpses

i think about having sex with you
but you couldn't get me drunk enough
to pretend i feel love
for you or any other person
i don't drink but if i did
i can almost guarentee
it'd take a long night with me and johnny
a long night walker read,
some fucking joke about how
you were made for me
and another joke about making my bed

my head on the concrete
dropped down and there is
silence and peace
and its half of how it feels
to be dying
the holidays this year
are worse than my birthday

i'll pretend that i
am not as selfish
as i think that you suppose
and though i'm lying here
stale fish flailing my fins in the air
i'm not as helpless
as i think that you know
and i wish that you'd know
that i am fair

i do not segregate my immense dislike
in colors or in codes
in fashion or in folks
its just that everything
feels like a thusday
between my job
and bounced checks
and loans and moans
feels like everything is out to hurt me

I learned medical documents
on trial and error;
social service
trial and error
records and write ups
look into the life
like dimentia
its hard to remember
as bad as today
there's always tomorrow
or never
or sadness
night terror
morning panic
shaking--- where are my clothes
oh, and my nose is froze
blowing smoke and blowing
cold ice, warm ice,
up and down like a ladder
and everything's great
yeah everythings fine
they say its a matter
of opinion,
Jay Jay's ladder
was raised slightly higher
than your pedestal
i'm one of them--
the swarm of warm blooded
hot loving cold killers
I'm a thumb print on my
face and the negative
outweighs the positive space
and the good intentions
from the radio until i fall asleep,
taught me how to fuck up
everything that I need.

The air smells like a wood burning stove. Burly clouds around surround my house but I went on the chemical diet because I hate the weight I've gained-- so I stopped shaving, and was whisped away from drinks last night. I woke with such a horror that my voice was no longer there-- beds spun and bodies were buried in dreams that made me wish I weren't alive; so as not to see the horrible images anymore.

My life is a stream of horrible images. Terrifed to be alone for more than a few minutes. I miss the overnight job because I slept when I knew it was safe in the day.

There's a bottle of scotch whiskey somewhere in my closet, for the days when I don't feel much like living in the day or the real world. Where people smile and tell me how I will never have days like them. Their girlfriends are much too pretty, and their lives too fantastic for such a son of a nobody to pretend he's somebody.

Coke and coke and rum and more coke. I'm tired. I can't smell winter, so I'll pretend I'm back in philly, where nobody knew me. Nobody wanted to.

dazing dreaming genie
straying streaming freely
close to coasts
off the posts
of polar poles
scuffing my bootprints
until rubber burns cold

i'll sell my home
if i had nowhere to go
get up and go
but there's always somewhere to go

where my tracks will find me
drawn out on a sleeve
or a newsprint tassle
tackle agony
antagonized with depression and
subtle thoughts the recur
when they should just be buried
while no one's there

i'll sell my home
if i had nowhere to go
get up and go
get up and go

keeping tabs on a young boy
while they're spelling their name
JFK once told of
love after it was slain
kerouac is hacking the wagon while
christopher's on the train
oh, and I'll be long behind them
even if i stay

she's a breath
not to be belittled
open mouthed
is the best way
when she starts to

answer to my call
like mom and pa
had to give their blessing
or it'd all be wrong
dances on the bar
with an empty cup
all i gots a blessing and its all fucked up

she's a breath
the last ones always best
holidays
pine wreathes and
lovers on display

but ill fake
an entire night
an entrance and some christmas songs
i didn't write
yeah fake
it through and through
hark the hallow
angels won't sing to you

low cut
low blow
slow thoughts
high balls force
night caps where you're too
much to endure

show them what you're made of
show them what you've got
because I've seen you laid out
sea saws and see through tops

yeah how much
to touch
break her you bought her
how much to love
more than a daughter
I can tell your father
that you're more than just another
whore to color scarlet
water colored outfits that

wipe off wipe out
because I've seen you laid out
show them what you're made of

Lines of documents lay dusted with soot, lining the bottom of the wishing well. When I was younger there was never anything expendable to be thrown in. Wishes are heavy and expensive, so dreams became more of a priority, as they were cheaper and less likely to surface.

I remember being a boy of 9, all but innocent and hopeful; egg headed and tragic avoiding all instances of reality, technology, and society. Radios always sang songs of desperation, echo-ing an internal monologue that never seemed to pause. It was suggested by a therapist after a suicide attempt, to write down the conversation and throw them into the well. I could never have caught up with the slur and fast forward essay like ramblings, so whatever streams I could catch I wrote as poetry.

"Call it, the dreaming well."
"If they're in the well, they're about as productive as sleeping. Maybe I should call it the sleeping well." I responded.
Frustrated and irritated by another come back, my therapist gave in.
"I want you to write to copies, and hand me one every time you decide to throw one in. Do you think you can do this?"
I nodded.
On lined paper torn out of a pad, I saw the heading, "Jay Despers and The Sleeping Well."

There's this ostentacious way about the trendy tea time brigades occupying park benches or ledges. Latte loaded leisure scheduled school boys and school girls I envy, for the mere fact that I could never let my guard down or my senses fail to get to that point.

she was pressed up
tried to talk up
every line about her life
I tried listening
i tried wishing
but no stars were out tonight
cross talked
and out I walked away

just this once,
i'd love to love
i'd love to love
her

the road was hollow
when I got up
enough nerve to turn around
with a fellow
who didn't follow
my eyes across the ground
cross talked
crossed out goodbye

just this once
I'd love to love
I'd love to love
I'd love to tell her
I haven't felt too much
but I've seen enough
I've seen enough
and I know I'd be forgotten
but we could try,
just this once

There's a serenity in realizing you won't live forever. The real change occurs when you realize forever might not be through the night; or that there is something waiting for you-- either a looming shadow, or a bright light-- and you're not certain when it's going to engulf you, but it lingers and lays low until you least expect it. I've planted a seed of hope inside of myself, and unfortunately there is a barricade of weeds-- dirty, abhorring acts of self-hatred that are strangling the seed of hope. Peacefully, the wind graces my face with a grazing gust of a breeze, and I feel peace and serene and dream of what I've done already in my time.

I went to chicago once, and drank myself into the saddest, sweetest memory. There are sometimes when a moment is too overwhelming to live in, and so you replace the present with a more tranquil, dulling momentum. A bus ride through the northeast into the midwest-- a train ride through the heart of the west to new mexico-- weeds waving straw and corn, whatever else was hidden from my hindsight. I was given the opportunity to see the most beautiful and decorated tragedies of American history; of a native way of life that no longer exists, except for show.

A plane brought me through the Phoenix sunrise, and again over the Phoenix sunrise, as I flew west to fly east. There was an array of pink and heat that woke me and nursed me back to sleep through the windows. "Du wiste wie eine blume en der wuste" or some sort of poem in German, the one sad phrase I can muster.

There were ordinary days, fire escapes and walks from Harlem to the Lower East Side, where I mistook friendship for love. It was love, just a different way of showing it.

I've fallen in love, and fallen out of love. I've gotten drunk-- laughing and crying and wondering why oh why me, all in the same minute.

I've created art, poetry, music, been apart of and been without. I've heard chords that still ring in my memory.

The point of death isn't as dreary and dreadful as we like to imagine. It happens when you've far surpassed your capabilities as an ordinary human. Every experience I will bring with me, and hopefully rather than feel the sun, or feel the quite under the power of the moon, I'll become apart of it, in energy, in love, in spirit. Every person, for better or worse, has become an infinite member of my life. And for which, I am eternally privileged.

Love Always,

Joe.

i broke the mirror
shards made my reflection
clearer
she threw out glass
and an image of me
every tuesday trash
collecting pieces
to find out where I'm stashed

working class
bones to pick with the mass
transit center for keeping my dad
for so long,
when I wanted to talk
and I needed to know
who I'd be when I'm old
but who I'd be married to
was disheartening truth

and its all un-true
the marriage the cars
the jealousy too
she's
selfish
like she's melting
to put out the flame
drowning in vodka
convinced its the same
as water,
oughta
tell her no

its not your home,
invisible fortress
set up to hold
my child hood,
when nothing was good
and no one said no
when I knew that I would

how's administration
I'll go to personnel
and I'll go to the chief
but personal matters
are all but cheap
so tell me why

she was a deserted one
under the hot light posted
arizona sun
and almost
flew the coop just
to drown the sound
of mathematics out

jesus
good god there's blankets
to cover her ankles
the moon shreds
a woman's strength

god damn there's state lines
and staples
when maps are outdated
she draws in her own
own vision of home

I knew once a flower grew
in chicago's prairie too
blazing scores and growing flames
onto arlington's shore
we liquified so we wouldn't ignite
after twenty seven rounds or four,
we found ourselves heaving
for air for more.

I'm sitting in the square
out on the corner
fullerton and another
kissing with a woman
and I don't care
fuller than any other,
I am only half her age,
and i don't care
all those people on park place
deciding to stare
so we'll give a performance.

socially,
the social me
is mesmorized by the social I
soberly stroking the
subtly of ordinary--
future mistakes
and maturity make me hate
the way I see each day
I'm always disappointed
even when I'm excited;
excitement anxiety
enjoyment reciting
entraptment clauses,
we can just once but never again
because you're so superior,
decades above and beyond
and you seem inferior
the mess that we made
and lay in what we got
I made up my mind
and you made up yours too
stand firm in your morals
I'll stand with mine too
sex is a signature
that validates love;
intimacy is fraudulant
that voids the precious,
kills off the innocent
we've always been guilty
just now we commit to it.

she's clocking out
i'm punching my legs hard
and down
swipe a stair
at a lady who cares
about everything
but me

and maybe she's really into
tiles and elevator shafts
keeping a distance
sweep and switching
to avoid my line of vision
to avoid my line of sight

now I'll clock in
time to forget
time to pretend
time to begin
payrolls on my back
saying get to work
dock your account,
you're not paid to flirt
don't make a sound

there you go
scratching your head at the joke
confusion like its setting the bar
much higher than where you are
stuck around,
tired as she kneels on the ground
drunk and drown
to slow the wheels from spinning around

and it keeps on turning
burning,
shooting and hurting
flesh shots only sting
she's learning

everyone needs the type of girl
apropo that loves to go
where I only go
when my head's not right
I suppose
when the length is shortened
by morning
I suppose
thats when I'm gonna go

and its always morning
shortened
nightmares blackdown and out
lightening
frightening
sped up and something to cool you off

solo
mono
alone
solo
mono
alone
I know
you don't
you wouldn't
know how
to show
comfort
or how to come forwards
rather than backwards
why only cowards
hang along after

between
hell and the sea
beyond the pale
everything that has meaning
is lost eventually
I'm giving up;
don't give a jot
don't give a fuck
who's who

you're all smoke and mirrors
portrait with a smear
nothing short of bad luck.

together
we're quite the talk of every single bar
conversations walking back
downers and uppers
my heart attacks my veins
under the covers

left another night
alone
check my pulse
inside my throat
left another night alone
tell them that we had other plans
you looked for me
but I left you stranded

seperate
trash talks and 90's songs
everyone was written because
they all knew that eventually
lyrics and melodies would get to me
and tell us how they had other plans
in such a way you wouldn't understand

left another night alone
check my pulse inside my throat
left another night alone
tell them we had other plans
you looked for me and I left you stranded

and thats where you'll stand
thats where you're stuck
graduation night
two weeks after prom
five years later
and you're 21
buried friends
buried the hatchet
married the bottle
now they'll wrap me in plastic
buried the hatchet
now they'll wrap me in plastic
make sure, you tell them we had other plans

I think of Dillenger dying free. I think of killing zombies. I realize, if I knew the end was near I would live a lot differently. I'm caged into a path of life I don't want. by next may, or as soon as I have 10 grand saved up, I am leaving. I will aim for as far west as I can see on a map of the continental states, and start walking.

today I repent for
days spent in excess
and premiscuous sex;
drugs came and went
and I lied to a girl
who I swore was my girl,
but to coward's delight
was nothing more than a whore
capitalized on the bright,
sad dark future I had
of a poet of songs oh,
an addict of rights
who was stopped in the tracks
of the path's he would write

and I gained 6 pounds this week
off amphetamines, all I do is eat
and I lied to the world
self assured that I'm clean
and serene and my life is a dream
that I love to see, and awake
and envy no man who stands in the way
of the wake of the next
when I'm obsessed with sex
and I can't stand being clean

once there were visions
recurring so violently
they'd rock me to sleep
as dear apparitions
too terrified to frighten me;
god's that I prayed to
as my heart shook;
tea time free basing
coke that I cook--
cut with excedrine
to come down off ephedrine
reciting some pray or some sort
while the dead sin,
od'ed on the way
to my very own grave
hopping the car
popping the locks and
a will to my next of kin
in my pocket;

and its two weeks later,
what do I have to show
two weeks off of drugs
of which I boast, and I boast
I isolate from my friends
because I love being alone,
ignorance is shit
whilst intolerance is bliss
I didn't do it for Chris
or for God, just for this

Thoughts as a child
irratic and wild
like static broke silence
with suicide trials
as a child;
then the following year
it appeared that I cared
for the friends I held close
and family dealt dear
severe blows towards my own
my grandfather choked
as they rushed in the snow
to revive but did not survive
this insidious hoax;
or the uncle whose throat
was engulfed by a hole
in the basement the kids chased him
down till he fell
in the silence of weeping
in the deepening well;
two months apart
and where do I start
but to delve into depths
of the crypts of three scripts
that would lead me to death;

first there was morphene
to keep a slow heartbeat;
amphetamines speed,
balls and parties and all;
lastly to sleep
they provided relief
in the shape of a pill
namely benzodiazapine;
so I'd wake, then sleep;
then the last three I'd dream
till sleep was the enemy
of escaping reality

down the ladder,
up the ladder
everyone dies the higher they go
and weeds just grow to replace
the latter;
and I--

the trifling stifling
duke dwelling rifling
single file bathroom tile
od again
and go out in style,
but to no one's delight
I awoke in the night
with sheets hocked
to my eyes;
so detox the week of
christmas eve; merry sweet blessings
the virgin's incest and grief
brings forth the week
towards summit's worst streets
and florida's beach
on new years eve;
to philly's worst block,
worst city, brought me
the worst I had seen
halfway between
here and new york and paterson
jersey city
frankford's shitty stale donuts
and sandwhiches; foodstamp dollars
ebt, b.e.t. masterlocks and south philly
actually sent me back home
to get clean;
and stay clean

I didn't cry as I froze
I'd rather die like a pro
and the best message is the ending
as most junkies know;
to die before the ink dries
on this suicide note..

taken back
hated blacks
have the right
token comments
because I'm white
different shades
from rays
that paint the stars
but not my face
nation states
that innitiate
progressive, non-refundable
non-retroactive sensitivity;
do I dis-like the messenger?
yes, do I hate the message?
indeed, solely
reverse racist fucking biggots
perverse polygomists acting
worse than the fucking pigs did
sit down, shut up
their borders bar out
social order, progress and save face;
hick town, runned mucks
casual offers for un-safe coitus
no protection
misplace a race
scatter them throughout a whole generation;
no hablo you know,
thrush mouth from native tongues
speaking hated tongues
in my own native nation;
prejudge, rebutt

I hate my whole life
because I'm ashamed of where it
strays from--
beat down white men
murdered and hanged
because their god
was not the god that they prayed to
misery loves company
so come to my country
we welcome wet backs
white trash all blacks,
browns blues and cocaine
just hide your stash
the dt's bed-ridden uncle sam
smitten with withdrawal syndrome
so misery loves company
and come to my country

I don't think I'll ever have the right
or want to know my rights
look towards the
eyes of women raped by cops
blacks beat down at traffic stops
addicts killed by recycled drugs
red white blue thugs
and 30 slugs
worthless from
day night one;

and I don't think I'll ever have the right
or want to know my rights.

ask me how I feel
when nothing quite appeals
quarter after one am
again
I've sunk through the bed
nightmares that I'm dead
most of which
keep me from falling asleep
once I blew a point 3
once I blew a point 2
drunk I threw a fit
lasts a lifetime
I don't want a lifetime

Tired
of second guesses
Life
that feels like a sentence

Watching cars circle
corner and reversals
mapping out whats at stake,
that they're free to take
once they break the stairwell
then I'll bid my fairwell,
half liberation
half escape and


home
stretch menial stances;
grasp the concept
passed on relationships

i can sit on the corner
watch a city swarmer
night watchman laid out
trying to storm the floor
make it through the hallway,
and out of the third floor
dull city tours around
that seem
that make new york
seem like allentown.

"Coughing, but, but I'm sneezing.."
wheezing bloody deadly life cut
envious arrays of T.B
violent shaking booming bursts
try and stay silent
for gray film to develop
and hide in the envelope
addressed from the nursing home
nursing back to health,
burning back to hell
churning wax from melted
wax burnt embers and ambers
and timbering limbs
sent to match
a cigarette ration
of three, a piece, each week
equal rights action
so slow it shows

Sputtering fits
spit and the Xyphoid is broken;
man handled,
bear hugged or simply
left choking on
thoughts that occur everyday
on replay
as to re-wind brings a time
to your mind where you're dying;
wife son step child
they're all dying, and while
they're six six seven feet deep
to their knees with roaches
and flees, I'm alive
and I plead, let heaven have Susanne
and let Gladys take me;

Not to the shower,
nor to the bed
where the shocks
cost an hour of time
from my head
and the worried ways learned
just burn and burn
and my skull as it turns
shows the scars from the urn
where you held those deaths
so close to my neck
that it burned up my throat
and rattled my head,
so the foundation is breaking
and the hospital's shaking;
old graystone, white stone
is cobble stoned no man's home
homeless ghosts only roam
next door;
timeless toasts timely omen
I'm dressed for

Wedding bells
Shattered rays
crying spells
golden age; golden days
frozen from shockage and voltage
because I was the cursed,
the braggard the chosen
to be plucked from the ward
where they sent me to rest
before I unload thoughts
with no bullet proof vest
It's two thousand ten

Human beings exist?
show me a one of them
you're staring at shit;
screen clean showering beams
bloodied and beat
he's seen towering me,
coward and terrorized
horrified, petrified
standing in place like my feet are no good
and I've taken shock therapy
and my heart is just wood
but you broke off the xyphoid
process and I'm void
protection the best care
my best friends my ex ends
and wedding days betting waves
hit us before the hangover does
because we're so drunk in ecstasy
punch drunk in love--

Remember the tower
that fell along side
the bell in the tower
was much too high,
far too loud
headaches and head colds
and six phrases repeat;
repent I admit
that the life that I led
28 years of it
I'd never done anything
worse than the rest of them
45 later
abused as an old man
would you stop,
and speak everyday
when the only acknowledgement
is in the worried hurried pace
that I say when I shrivel
my face, and replay
the poison they fed me,
the showers they led me
straight from to my bed
where electricity pumped
through my veins to my head;
and the hospital is falling
if you want a fair trade
I'll show you your freedom
just look at my face
its the face of your free nation
error of ways; immigrant nurses
to fuck with my terror phased
days that don't end
and when you're ready
to deal with it
everyone will pretend
its not real.

this town isnt big enough
for you and me
this town isnt big enough
for you and me

move it to the city
some place so big
no one could identify me
just another face in
a town so small
it made the city so big

don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught
don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught

packing and re-packing
plastic snow globes
recycling a gift yeah
only secret santa knows
this town isnt big enough
for you and me

so don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught
don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught

don't get caught
don't get caught
don't get caught
don't get caught up

photographs
glass smashed
in the living room
polaroids
all the time i've been giving you
images
revisited
of what's been getting into you,
this city's not big enough for you too.

I'm the old user
cruising accustomed to
old styles of ways
she's a bold new one
walking the same song
marley sang three decades
pretty persuasion plays
her own precussion,
its a different version
with the same song muffling.

getting on top
like I'm getting off,
but all bets are off
when its not time to stop
light hearted heavy hearted
its all gonna give
dizzy spells and white outs
the times I relive

shots of kerosene
prayers for sleep
got us rain instead
stained white maybeline
conceal the piece
of me too dull to see.

seen a girl,
so tightly wound
I held her hand
and she spun me around
I met her guy,
hardly a match
a real prize fight
gonna throw the match

i want you to know
that I'm thinking of you,
when everyone's telling me
what not to
and part of the do's
doesn't include you,
when I'm thinking of you..

Sick days;
six days from now
sick days would be paid,
but too late, feverish
frail jaundice flu-like
fetishes fucked me, and fucked me good
head aches, perspire
conspire
admire the higher and lower
and all in between
that feel less like ice
and not quite on fire;

a forehead the glistens,
red left for dead ears
missing the lessons
open mouthed visions
proceed on repeat,
until even my cheeks
are as red as my sheets;

a system of theories stamped
in the hallway, night lights and sky rise
shackled shadows, homeless ghosts
that almost know
how to chase warmth
when they're fleeing the cold
or fill up the children
when they're feeding the old;
a system left keys to unlock
disease, these three pertinent values
that I dare not value;

Life-- more like a sentence or a lesson or penance;
a condolence of death, "grant it as it will,
he will oh she will, and when they do,
we will chill--"

Love, the lack luster
silver linings of smoke filled
rooms, kissing the floorboard
to avoid scorced scores of ceilings
that seem more like the devil's own linen
and hardly appealing;

Happiness; oh, all I want
and all I shot
for a lovely lifetime;
and what I got was not nearly
the glimpse or glimmer or shimmer
or stammering stunningly innocent
image one entails entitlement towards;
winnings for winners,
lost chances for sinners and sons of
streak-baring, no luck downed dumb
average, below the curve, names taken
from the failings of fathers;
this is my life, love, happiness?
amphetamines peak
and never dare we, he
I, New York imagine a sleep,
so deep and entwined in a peace
that we sleep;
that we dream of America
and American Dreams;

Covered by red rags,
blue faces scared to death
and white roses encroaching a spirit
that had never once seen,
flowers turned to worms
or red roses turn green.

Whispers seeping through an empty air vent,
duct taped in order to prevent
the last stitch, last ditch effort
of problems, solutions, solving the solvent
by subtracting oxygen from the addent,
advent, adverse perverse perfumes
instead of breathes we inhale exhales;
we laugh sighs, we cry wise words of
weary worth;
"believe in fate,
we, needing faith
hate leaving space
in the gates of the angels
that save; of the safe grace
that grazes the faces of the fake
names of people; surrounded by places
bounded by traces of truths
that were thought,
with the devil in mind
and his demons though not you;"

I used to sleep
on a bed of roses,
red ones turned me
into a boy,
who turned these red roses green;
I used to sleep
on a bed of roses
so perfect and calm
that no one cared,
nor dared or noticed
how alchemists
could transpire gold green roses..

the wells dry
not a drop
but its well enough
sell rock sell pop
gone to hell enough
yet?
you can't imagine
what I'm coming down from
coming down with
you can't imagine
where its taking me to,
its taking me too

so, tell mom tell pops
all about my love
eager anxious and a ton of drugs,
no life was this fun
unless it had to be
couldn't stop wouldn't stop
face your tragedies and go
go on go on go on
calm down calm down come home soon

so, broke blues bruised two's
and i'm twenty one,
seven-seventeens 30 3's
1993
4 scored more girls
than imaginary
fixes would drag
hitting a drag
blisters from bags
and scales and slimy fingertips
bad bags, bed bugs mystery hits
that're calling you out,
calling you're name
the end of your life,
or are you just high.

Shown a light in the dark
singing how the gray angel's arc
won't float in the flood
rising on above
rats are using pebbles
to flow with the crest,
cause chances are
chances are
not too good
still the chances are

out of flavor and bitter
our savior's the pick of the litter
pure promotion to become better
nothing ever tastes the way
it surely should taste
until you start to save
earnings hard
chances are

I'll feel worst at first
can't always turn it around

riots there in the air,
stampede on the ground
no one's looking glass
our directions a mess
and abstinence is surely passed
grand tests understand
how statistics are
dance and star
one of a kind
but chances are

Don't ask me why I
never close my eyes
speaking before I think
think well enough to blink
over-pried when I'm tired
wide eyed like I'm wired

Telescope, kleidascope, microscope
dissect direct objects,
and keep them close
chances are

I saw a girl once
she looked like good luck
she was close up
lightening just broke up
explode emotions
wide eyed with hope

Fibbing in the mirror
and I'm blowing a kiss
winking in the mirror
taken for what it is

I've been looking lately
a real hard while
Who's gonna replace me
when I'm not alive
I've been looking lately
a real off white

Andover's the turning point
there's no turning back
once you're status three
you're never going back down
chasing my reflection
taken for what it isn't

I've been looking lately
a real hard while
who's gonna replace me
when I'm not alive
I've been looking lately,
a real off white

pale white
trail lines
hail sire
real white
ghost cold
broken toes
standing on my heels
wondering who's a ghost
and who's really real
I've been looking lately,
a real off white.

stricter look to business
than I cared to get
likings for prescriptions
that I carefully get

snow stormed into rehab
spent our christmas eve,
MD went out and went back
and's still out it seems

we wrote our initials just above the sink,
cheek daily prescriptions or they'll make you sick,
giving them to Elliott
and watching his back
crushed up his suboxon
and I'm watching his back
looking like a vacuum with a skull for a base,
passed almost as human with a sunken face,
J and MD twelve sixteen

booked a flight for florida
just after the fight
broke my tray in order
just to last through the night

what really happened in the dining hall
I remember snapping
and hoping you saw--
proved to you,
proved to him,
just after the fight

Summer blew
on through
fall swept in
and led to you

he failed as a writer
and everyone knew
he failed as a writer
took a liking to you

hide out
hide out
hide out, now

someone said your daddy was
a president
sitting in his caddy
taking medicine,
blow a kiss
if you can recall what happened next

Here we are at day one; stimulants and oragami figures against my wall in shadow puppets. Crooked lamp posts and street lights flicker as the driving wheel turns on command; I demand. I thought a lot about my sorrows, and the guilty promise maker's excuses. I'm certain you were made too quickly-- about a decade's worth of gusts of winds too soon, so as your head felt so heavy and hurt just a tenth more than it should have. "What life," she thinks as she stops off of the sidewalk-- others pass and think, "What luck--" to be so beautiful, and hidden. I have a secret that isn't supposed to be shared, the rest of the mouths of this life will ruin it; echoes and off key, laid low sort of language ricochetting off of their un-polished tongues. She carries herself like she were Atlas-- a world to make an impression on by putting up with the weight of grave impossibility. Shackles of heroic strength mellow her, as its too much a handicap to walk with.

The Greek's had their methods, as do modern day writers. Atlas is a woman, today, yesterday and in 1980 even. It took three decades for her to realize she was really a dove and could no longer be caged by the awful gate keeper. "Aye, life.." she thinks as she flutters away like a dream in a tunnel..

A decade too late was a boy born who brought nothing but heavy harm and saddened, slow motion sickness to everything he thought up. "What luck," he thinks while he steps onto the sidewalk. The Greek's had no premonitions for him, but later, we would all begin to think he sped himself up, because she slowed herself down. And somewhere in between passing realms, they realized the relativity of a steady pace. He turned into a crow, to chase the dove, and whispered, "What love," as she smiled shyly. They'd met in the middle of 1984, as predicted by Orwell, the world was much too controlled for them to have been happier elsewhere. Their friends-- lovers of literature, met in subways and train stations; airplanes and plain faces fixated upon a couple-- the latter. How gorgeous is sanity? How refreshing is a breeze? Fighting an eternity to feel just the slightest breeze of relief, they found sighs against each other's neck was much more worthy of living for.

I hope I'm holding
dirty hands
than ones that just don't care
bliss and chips
cold shoulders
shoot the shit
hold the shift
family crests
implode like shit
on the name of every ancestor
Our father
who isn't remembered
for slaving for the state
massacred by doctor bills
asked for our estate;

And I
was given advice
to sort and tame the wild
"All good men are equal,
and others stay on trial"
so the judges guilty verdict
stings and stuns the shadows
stalked sons and stunned daughters
are all posing on the gallow;
picture perfect picture
frames with over exposed
negatives
you told me this is where it ends
but its just where it begins.

I've paid no mind
to any idea that wasn't written
before a great depression;
lay down a single drug addict
to the gods of a nation

the prophets
they're in an uproar
armed themselves with rocks
fine print dissolved
in rockets sure shot
sore pox and incinerated pockets
so the lining's
less than the header
5 cents a pop
predictions are like a great fuck
one that never stops

oh, Georgia
did you lose yourself again
southern charm can't comfort
even the proudest gentleman

My is a word
thats un-nerving
when nothing's truly yours
if I'm not paying for lenoleum
footprints on the floor,
or some tasteless other trinket
to keep the white house
neat during war

so whats gonna stop me
from going out again
when everything gained
is in expense

and whats gonna keep me
in this time
when everything dies before its time

flash backs
of relapse
and smashed glass
fractions
way back in the past
thrown in the trash
to take one more blast
and be turned for good
crystal ash
to shoot the soot,
before it turns to shit
to call my name
before it leaves your lips

whispered
how I missed her
as I kissed her
promises
no don't desert her

whiskey turns a kid
into a grown up
taking licks
shots out and thrown up
scampered sadly
through south street
reminding me,

I only know,
what I know
from what I've done
I only go
where I've gone
because I learned
trashed secrets
everyone forgot.

delayed
delayed
delayed
slow motion on a winter street
so cold it scared the both of us
to speed
the postcard came from florida
meant for your daddy
to hear from his daughter
the room and board was cheaper
cause the windows were smashed up
freezing on the top bed
just a little bit chilly,
returned a letter sent to sparta
that caught me in philly
I could've strayed farther
and I should've stayed longer
but I thought for sure
frankford would kill me

tell me what you're thinking
today
7 months and lifting it away
delayed
delayed
delayed
re-pay
old debt
broke checks,
bounced beds
old debt
broke checks
sold sex

tell me what you're thinking of
sometime
standing in the shade
away from sunshine
tell me the mistakes
we're on account of
staying awake for days

tell me it was all a bad decision
the kinds you only make
when I act insistant
fucking up again
to cop prescriptions
that were not ours
tell me what its like
that you broke through
west palm beach to malibu
detoxed clean and good as new
I'm not up to speed with you

delayed
delayed
delayed
on the fire escape
because the new york sun
only seems to paint
flip book skies that fade away
it took time to dry out
before it died out
on the fire escape.

clenched tightening
I might've overdone
what I already did
flexed frightening
and fighting
you're on your side
breathing on my knee
i'm on my back
praying to sleep
if i wake
or I lack
what it takes to awake
then I took every step backwards
that I didn't mean to take.

someday son,
saturn's moon
will be sundays sun
sometime soon
just to prove it to you
I'm counting
two twenty twos
to round up to

but you're 21
and there's more than one
for me to choose
two twenty two's

they don't miss
when they shoot
taking the shot for the honor
of the target
shades turn on tips
of bar tops
burning the black top
cause something might've slipped

but you're twenty one
and theres more than one
for me to choose
two twenty twos
the equation I use
that adds up to
one more than you

so hang your head,
doll
roll your eyes
balling
your cheeks out
and play dead
dog
play dead dog.

so I spent my christmas
withdrawing from bliss
with people all around me
tremors yeah half awake
wondering if I'm faking
blue sheets blue covers
her face

and you'll feel much worse
before you feel much better
sped up so fast
in a christmas sweater
she slows down
she slows down
so I can get her.

Laps around night time
the square where we stare
into the night sky;
in time for the blue moon
turning to ice

the holidays and I'm eating
sleeping listening with ease
to serene memories
I never met someone like you
no matter where they sent me
California or Lantana
heres my wednesday bandana
and a thursday beanie

I'm putting notes
in the hiding post,
threats to turn you white as a ghost
letting you know
that I am mean
horse shoe crab
amphetamines.

You cry
cause you choose to
and I'm not used to
feeling this way again
even though I knew you'd
call me feeling like a friend
who says everything right
and it just might
change the way that this has to end

Send me a pill
thats hard to swallow
crushed trying not to spill
the news that I use
to keep me amused
when I dream of how far you've traveled
while you actually
actually
actually

already
act deadly
and rather than friendly
cold and bitter yeah angry
twice removed
and now we're through
and you cry because you choose to
you cry because you choose to
cause all I ever do is use
and all you've ever been is used.

Wide angle
shuffle my shoes;
strangling my angel
muffling clues
and blaming my baby,
and you're blaming my baby

what do you need girl
what do you need from me

dried out and dried up
look at you
crooked nosed and silk eyes
to see through
concealer and paint
that you caked just so you
wouldn't look plain
and wouldn't complain

so what could you need girl,
what could you need from me
what more to ask for
when I've given it all
the car the pills my church
the sake of my name

so
keep keep complacent
keep keep changing your place
ABC town to L.A
make sure you're dragging your weight

a verdict slurring from my pallet
shatter a person with a mallet
a sentence that doesn't seem to valid
and how do I feel
to say that its the final time
when I highly doubt it

going to prison
going to jail,
when I go missing
I must be lost in the mail

I heard what the word was
should've learned not to say it
so I won't because
it really hurts when I say it

going to prison
going to jail
when I go missing
I must be lost in the mail

sound body
sound mind
signed a life to the wind
to take like a kite
a sound soul its brand new
to take like a kite
a sound soul its brand new
yeah i'll never fly
and neither will you.

If I knew who I was
I wouldn't think twice
about calling me dull;
you're just acting nice
afraid I'm out of control

so precisely tell them nice
every picture
down to the photo booth
I chose to look
but what did you choose
what did you choose

Fixate myself on you
fixate myself on you
fixated (myself) on you
first date,
never coming back to you

blunt force of trama
left a lot of
memories back in the ward
I had a daughter,
and sorta
remember we used to go to the store
shopping for candy
stop for a milkshake
malted hands holding alike
but then her father
took the honor
of telling me they took my ex wife's life
that night
back in 1975

west 209
I reside all the time
west 209
turning frail
burning kerosene tonight

and now gladys,
is the saddest
name to mutter down the hall
shock treatment
left me speachless
with only one thing left to say

the sky is falling
this hospitals falling
i wanna leave you're insane
if you want to stay

west 209
I reside all the time
my bed is on the right,
and everything is fine
west 209
stole my mind
gladys chose to love so much
she died

then one summer
you took my mother
and my sister took me to
the right of greystone
to a payphone
admitting me, she could hardly say so

oh west 209
for the rest of my life
west 209
this hospitals on fire
west 209
the rest of my life
collapse my lungs,
collapse the ward
until atlast I see my wife.

the heart broken other lover
splashing in southern comfort
smashed to his teeth
when it bombs
hits lows while dragging his feet
but you'll convince yourself
it was a treat.

you'll convince yourself it was a treat
you'll convince yourself it

was the decent attempt
not a recent event
that condemns any action
you're making
excuses he
my face and back
all while she
convinces herself it was a treat
convincing myself this is not me.

why do you do what you do
what you do what you say
when I don't feel the same
way that you may say
you do
what you do why you do what you do

smoke outs
and danced at the bonfire,
we lit the joint
made our grooves
on the front lawn
imprints of bodys
that never would feel wrong

in my head
in a carbomb
with a door ajar
i drown to death
before you heard her hear
more like a cough
and less like a last breath

I went to high point-- the highest peak of new jersey
I nursed a hangover, sweating out all of the toxins
from a night of binge drinking black outs
broke; broke out wads like a big shot
and now I'm just nodding
took a handful
and jerked off.
I decided the most defiling thing to do to any woman
is to fuck her in her ass
I went to a meeting
and tried hard not to show
that I was sweating
and thinking more of poems
and love notes,
than I was of staying clean
you can't bottom out
when you're bottomless
because the hole you dig
never fucking ends
just starts in the middle
and works itself forward
or backwards
circle jerking bunch of bastards
no one will give me what I want,
no one will sell me what I want
so all I got is all I got
but I went to high point,
the highest peak in new jersey
and climbed 220 feet
in a spiraling stair case
and when we reached the top,
we missed the bottom,
and so we left.

klonopin keeps my knees from locking
and when my feet start shaking,
don't come knocking

benzos let me let go
frozen shoulders
aren't worth grabbing onto

deep sleep
lets me screen dreams
to replay on repeat,
so even a moment
or something worth holding
is transparent, translucent
transporting from me--
child hood memories
trampolines and skinned knees
never shook,
only rarely
was dependent in my vocabulary

and the next image of me
as a teen, awkwardly
standing in line
to take life
until I died
never a chance,
no shot,
never--

leads to today, the present
minipulative
clever fucking addicts
hide their stashes
in the attic
wrapped in plastic
and our gashes
feel like magic
when we die
we just imagine
we're deeply
aligned
with the beat
of our sleep.

the asian lady I paid
didn't touch me where I wanted to be touched
so I complained
three ways to sunday
where in between
I got so drunk
I threw up in my sleep
and when I came to,
wondered why
no shadows come for me.

Its 12:30 am, I have to wake for work at 6:30 am. I like my job but overly sympathize with people, people who have it worse than I do. I dream all day about which co-workers I should have sex with. One of them denied me, and she ended up quitting because socially, we're about as enept as a junior high school. I never thought I'd go to college, but I did. I didn't finish, and so I went to Florida. I didn't think Florida would fix me, so I went to philly-- because I had a friend finally. I spent all 10 days in the urban ground zero-- crack slinging outside of my halfway house. Half way, means your room mate will smoke crack and leave his shit all over your bed. Half way also means how far someone is willing to go to emulate a brother. You get about as close as cousins, and life takes place. I moved home from frankford, philadelphia-- treated like a child and babied and given an allowance, I applied for my first legitimate job, and was hired as an over night freight team operator. Translation: I broke down pallets of gallons of paints, or stocked boxes of tile-- 10 pm to 6:30 am.

I found a reason not to do it
pleased and fond
in season blonde on brunettes
make my whistle wet
politics amongst addicts
are always dead wrong
to rights, the right to forget

in hind sight,
was it better
in my blind spot
she shifts like glitter

how can you smile
when you're dying inside
its hind sight
its in hind sight

taught a lover
how to catch her a lover
wallow and swallow
so shallow it kills her
taught a lover
how to catch her a cold
shadowing some other
virus or nother

I thought
a lover
fully understood lost
I cant find my way back
and I'd never go back
fully understood lost
tapped on the gutter
to reach her asleep in the gutter
spun up like a manger
or carriage or nother

I turned blue
and the sky turned down
its lights
in this brilliant half sky

Telescopes turned towards you
on a hollow ground
a higher ground
here's to higher power
and stumbling around

only priests ask why
only squares believe priests
who circle checks in relief
that their peasants pay tarrif fees
who pay for indulgences
and pray not for you
but I turned blue and the half sky turned down
head lights
in this brilliant half sky

some morning
when the stars have been spent
mourn the warrior
wife child and life be repent
by a nuclear family
father martin the worrier
pushed down his hand and he
blew it all blew it all away.

I never took
my medication
my expectations
always budged through
I'm not indicating,
I'm just explaining
I have no reason not to

I may look sedated
it's all related
pharmacy petty, wrong hand played
penny pushers
there's a higher up aboard
scripts they just write more
casting the addict playing customer
and pharmacist type casted whore.

When its said and done,
then it'll be over
I'm not sweating ice yet
I'm not sweating ice yet
there's no need to panic
because when its said and done
everyone gets what they get.

today already feels like tomorrow
and ended up like the day started
i smoke the brand they always said that I oughta
but it sort of
feels far off
and I feel
particularly
pardoned
of all outsmarters.

last week
last week
left behind
in lieu of days
last week.

turn the cranks oh
keep the pace up
quick fast and its
whiplash
when they shake down
their dirty hands down
my leg
to my waste

wasted a lifetime
recognized a lifetime
that its fairly early,
is still a long time

sentence
direct demenstrate
to anyone you can
dominate
raise the stacks like dominoes
before its on wrong talk
that silent conversation
that turns shoulders,
I suppose
this tradition existed
before nations were formed
first families with
lots and lots of papers
coward shots toward later
when maybe someday
its worse to die on their knees
than win as a player
hard hitting truths that missrepresent
mutually asking
why the fuck
no passing go no
fucking idaho oh colorado
dustbowl snowballs
dust will blow
like its always done
and snow will melt
and dround the knowers
thinking and rising tip topping
towers; laws hiding lows
will float fine and high
till youre back turns upside
face down the wrong side

and it was always going to be this way
like will had a place
on or tongues or our faith
believing one man speaking
for all man
such a bad omen,
nobody noticed
and nobody cried.

High when I woke
the doctor's a joke
when he keeps insisting
on another prescription
21 and one new addition

I can't measure the length
of the meters of debt
to haunt me all throughout
life until death
and I'm buying my breaths
trying not to think of you--
silk eyes
hide the truth

testing the outcome
wondering how come
single is infinite
followed by things
I'm not proud of
that I'm gonna live out
silk eyes
hide the truth
silk eyes hiding from you.

aerospace child
we're binding our time
to a rocket that soars
in the sky
the distance is y
and you're partly my x
we'll suit up the pilot
so he's properly dressed

the air todays fine
yeah the weather is fine
where I am it gets better and better

nearing the end
of the edge of our flight
last call rounds make their way
down the aisle
proposing a notion
as all of the while
a wine glass tips from commotion

the air todays fine
yeah the weather is fine
where I
when I
whatever it takes me to get high

its better to free fall
than keep going
the same line
that you're tired of going
we dangle and swing
and kiss
crashing
with you
is the prettiest thing
I'll ever do.

I'm writing a letter
just to write you a letter
never seem to come any more
I noticed you posted
a note that I wrote
as a poem

oh its what I wanna know
while I'm wired,
I'm not tired
and so so I wanna know
where the suicides go

Writing a letter
just to write you a letter
living wills
documents to sign
because if someday means never
then I don't want to get better

i'd rather just leave it
letter
just leave it
I gather up the leaves like a feather
but if one day you could let her
know I was better once
maybe she'll start to remember.

Hey idiot
that purse
has a person
holding and cursing
the value of dollar bills
it'd rather not share;
Covering her chest
is a blouse or a dress
or some fabrication
hand me down--
thrift to impress

But hey asshole,
inside her head
behind glazed smiles
fake eyes, tired whining
brightened eyes
is ambition to never
have to make this decision
or be put in positions
that you only envisioned
or a night or a while
until you finished and cry

Hey pussy,
afraid of the dark
so you ran from the light
in between somewhere
you found nothing was right;
aimed for the apple
but the apple wasn't ripe
so you settled for the pit
of the plum, just the plum
or the way your gut
seems to plummit when you cum
and the moment you finish
its flight fight or run;
the fast lane on
the shoelace express;
what an awful expression
to describe the despondent.

Hammer while
I stammer down
a shout that sounds
much more like a whimper
I've got a problem
I need you to solve for me;
a fine notion
to live without technology
the woods or a city
where nobody'd bother me
and I could
hammer while I stammer down a shout

What makes you so proud
they're gonna let you down
they always come through
they always come through
don't want to be apart of
the lifer's of my town
they just let you down,
they'll just let you down

Stairs chairs
awkward standing
when everyone stares
guys armed
with girls on their arms
wasted waists the size of my arm
pretty pissed and sad
knowing the first
three god damn seconds
i'd be going home alone
cups cracking like knuckles
kings cap crowned from
some drinking game I must've won
or some sort-- walking out
stumbling screaming AA quotes
to my AA friends who were,
"disappointed," to say the least
outcast and outlast and rat races with me
sobriety? entirely
a lie to me-- violently a crime to be
stuck with no sollution
only problems, escape artists
facing head on; cliche's like a life sentence
much worse than 2 to 5
locked for life
the curse of the sentence
of one day at a time

black tops reflect against my face
the sun, the shade melt away either way
smashed tops from bottles
or rockets make a noise like a cap gun
aimed at your face

found a dollar
on the ground
a round on the curb
outside of your house
you only walked over

turn your face up loud
and bright
playing cool and proud
with pride tonight
turn your ears up loud and high
scale the walls with the back of a
suicide

walked a long way away
avenue b dizzy dreams
book stores are cheap
away from avenue a

it makes me sad,
sink to my stomach
faucet and cross it off of the map,
deaf ears don't listen
a forehead that glistens
talking poetry at the bar

turn your face up loud
and bright
playing cool and proud
with pride tonight
turn your ears up loud and high
scale the walls with the back of a
suicide

sign off
the voice dial is lost
a goodbye so harsh
it marred you

who you chose
won't know what you'll go through
when you see
the back of me
is all you'll see

as close as you'll ever get
again was once so
so now never's regressed

sign off
a conversation is gone
last words so short
i misread you,
stacks of lines of words
that only hurt

as close as you'll get
to hurt me
so sign off on me
as a possibility
and sign off on me
she'll sign off on me
like she's signing me off
and sign off on me
as a possibility
so sign off on me
as nothing at all.

playing quarters
and a nickle slot
white knuckles and a dollar forgot
faded dresses lifting high for more
I can't stay this way too long,
and I don't think I'd want to

do it when it feels right,
it never feels right
I'll stick it out when I'm ready
I'm never ready

soft palms and broken vows
pictures tell a thousand words
only a couple come out real loud
a few are gonna get you burned
I can't stay this way too long

I don't exactly remember when
because my memory is fuzzy
I fell asleep at ten one night
and woke up at 20
another dead head with a dream and a buck
who can't keep still for a moment
picking pennies off the corner for dumb luck
that no one else seems to notice

all my friends over the years
finally rose up and settled
all with a family and purpose
but I
understand I'm just worthless
I'll pay someone to pretend we're in love
I'm so desperate tonight
You should come
run the meter and pretend we're in love
just a kiss,
just to be touched

I felt a breath brush my hand in a daze
someone who surely don't know me
high on speed with the blues now for days
rousseau and still I feel lonely
made a map out of places to go
where there'd be someone to show me
the different ways to be happy

rambling on the bus
about arlington
and lake michigan
lincoln park
like chicago's my only friend
I'm running into the end

every girl over the year that I see
is doing better than me
the more and more that I peak
I'm coming down inside a store
selling me books and antiques
while every ex seems to be
happily married

curb picking
on the avenue
better than new
a treasure is better used
held a use for you,
it could work for me too
once I know it came from you.

hope comes from a city
to dissolve in like sweat
dripping onto concrete streets
cool and fresh my forehead is wet
and it feels like
yeah it feels like I'm dry

The whole world
is staring at me
The whole world is
is staring is staring at me

broken from a poker game
kept it cool but lost my face
stabbing in the air for a heart
slicing through the deck like a throat
the subway is a voyage
when you're going where I'm going
and we're two more blasts apart
shooting glares like darts

and the whole world
is staring at me;
yeah the whole world is
is staring, is staring at me
when you feel so small
21 years tall,
and my names just carved
on the edge of a bar
and etched on the edge of a cliff
where nobody else is looking
but me
the whole world is staring
staring at me
the whole world is staring staring
staring staring at me.

one week ago
we watched leaves float
towards the end of the park
where we wouldn't walk towards
Someone just told
some mean joke
about denim vests
and the way you were dressed,
deep and offended
I put up my best defense
but even defenses can rot
and tarnish; lacquer turns
to rot, embellished in knots
and all of the things that a fence should not

So then we shot stars
to the end of a galaxy
a universe in mars
a solar sign to kiss your cheek,
but you felt too young
a lot younger than history
between;
I shook my head
at the truth, oh
we know all the planets
are satellites, except for pluto
estranged darkened blue pluto
where warning shots we shoot go,
kisses miss and wishes lift
to the woman of my dreams
and the man on the moon too

One hour from now
the air turns sharp and vibrant
flares and dynomite;
vapor-- exciting premonitions
I know I'm over reacting,
but its long past due;
one week ago
just won't make
for a whole life of months filled with weeks
disappointing,
should've stayed clean
degrees, currency--
men of business,
midnight urgency; parties
smiling crying everyone who's anyone
will be there,
an hour from now
my bed turns up
discount items
and hand me downs.

think disgusting things when you're getting off
hookers-- quick "fuck" so drunk and raunchy
girls that take their clothes off
to be the girl who takes their clothes off
because he looks like someone worth doing it for
bent over car seats, backs arched
hair over their faces like a paper machette
masks, trashy halloween costumes
tramping around sneaking up the stairs
to my room, free rides, cigarettes
calling you soon
or not calling at all
locked the door had a ball
and another one down
yes another posted hatch
cross hatches and exes etched
flexing my "metaphorical casanova" muscles
seen around town in a car
with my face down
eyes on the dashboard
waiting to make out
like a bandit with my pants down
and wrists flat
inhaling a cigarette flicking off ash
led astray and its into the ashtray
breathing is great
but blue skies turn gray
lightening and thunder thighs
cottage doubles and puke;
throwing up my hands, praying god take away
the deviance in getting laid
blowjobs from fat girls--
parties with not one person I like,
only people I hate
leaving with the ugliest girl
when I know I could get one of the prettiest girls
gagging myself in the shower
to lose weight for these pretty girls
drinking until I forget every persons name
in every worthless place
I've ever seen;
Wishing I were insane,
heavily sedated
awkward drooling play date
prayer case; fucking loving
intoxication, detoxification
from holier than thou;
demonic and manic
hurtful; relations
relating direct insane sons
to their mothers, brothers
fathers sisters actors
I could've been a black man
newark's car jacking stints
stunts cut coke laced blunts
fishnets and red pumps;
red skirts and my, my head hurts
eyes without eyeliner
mascara smeared to make eyes
seemed line; less brightness,
more fire-- dull lines
that used to be fine lines
towed across, stoicly crossed
dare I mention, venturing adventures
wishless, no destinations
amtrak tickets and prescribed medication
these are a few things worth living for
looking out for; out towards the side door
Missouri looks a lot like Kansas;
Kansas leads us not into temptation--
Dallas; Austin--
straight to route 66
where I didn't get kicks
instead I took hits
and swigs
and fell asleep blitzed,
woke up scared shitless
bumping arms in harlem
out of harms way
australian accents saved face
on a few different occasions,
where the matadors minor scale
was completely, strictly turned major;
and lullabies subside in great sighs,
saying good bye wishing we could cross smiles
or lips, or tips of our tongues
or our heels touch
display love, not falling asleep
sick from the sadness
i know I'll never beat.

drank up
shake up
way passed
hanged up
caught down like a spider web
the smaller the insect
the tighter the net
dangle dazzle I hate myself
and wish I'd just croak
streets corrode with dynamite
she's prepared to blow
fell down now I hate myself twice
burned my clothes
my wrists are soaked,
I just want to go home
tiger lillies on the beach
a childs reach left cresting waves
to gently leak
the roots the pedals
my boots, my necklace--
all things mesmorize
finalize the prophecy
I think its time to die
blue skies and fireflies
lightening bugs
take this standing up
backwards
forwards,
never alive
mesmorize.

I'm drowning like a butterfly
caught up in the rain
clipped wings and sputtering
trying to get away
fell down like a cannonball
rippling the ground
belt high seems a lot lower
when you're afraid to make a sound

Hung up
let down
isn't it funny
Fucked up
let down
isn't it funny
cool as char
on the barstool
isn't it obscene
I never want the day to turn
do you know what I mean.

all you girls and boys
will tell your children
how you dumpster dove
head first halo grinding liars
inches from your ugly parts
skirts high and blinders;
fucked on the first date,
swallowing pride and pre-dispositions the next
i love you's and drunk dials next leg,
lest left tapped heads from
stacked kegs-- whiskey
and wine great hell of a time
queer beer drinker clubs,
fraternities, orderlies, next of kin,
etc..

Women who boast
making 2K in a day,
the absence of respect
keeps arrows
long ways away;
cupid came in your sleep,
ever so neat
stained silk sheets
asleep before midnight
5 days of the week,
Saturday's sloppy
slutty shit show, sunken eyes
sex-- a diner
reminisce, shoot the breeze
dutchess von check;
half a bill to suck up
whatever's left of an ego;
a full bill takes much longer
for a full nose to froze
over; and under, above
beyond; before, after

Remember when--
the lonely friend
took a knife to his throat
and came out the wrong end;
the pills to overdose,
were a shade under
comatose, vegetables
blundered;
frustrated fatally
left alive,
left alone;
last breaths and futuraphobes;
dandelions grow
where you pissed on the lawn,
cold leaves fall,
blackbirds crow.

you lift your feet
bide time
hide while inside
scurrying feet from worrying zombies
faces caught up with words of wisdom
inching a foot, then yards again inches
give or take a few years of pills
heroin abuse
the ivy league brought me back to you
chomp stomping lunatic-- maniacs,
risperdal clocks telling what time "I ought,"
what time I ought not

could it be the lovely spark
igniting off the ugly part
or maybe its just the southern tip
of a northern town
where living feels much more like
just existing now

writing poetry
prose and she
is awkwardly fumbling thoughts
drawing words anything to post pone
consequence
good looks
and awkward glances
cook books and us both dancing

you want me to be in love with you

i can show you
new plus true
inhabits me and you

Stray far from cancer
drunk by myself
only loners need answers
rebellions a thought
thats neither sold nor bought
not a lesson to learn
or a script to be taught
stray far from cancer
capricorn trances

Dying the course of a life,
Trying of course to get it right
that's just the impact
of crashing,
never high only low

Break up break up
the hold is strong
by hold meant the grip
of the air burning midnight coal
trains planes and prairies
magically granted freedom like fairies
prayed once to god,
and i'll never pray again
said i love you once,
but i'll never say it again

Dying the course of a life,
Trying of course to get it right
that's just the impact
of crashing,
never high only low

Suffering the old man's disease
think you had me beat
almost convincing me
running underneathe
the over pass
jump on the street
skipped a curb
skipped a rock
no one heard
no one's shocked

told you i'd leave after a few
catching my breath
lining my throat with dew
nothing left
but the linger of you
so I hit to the open road
where even ghosts wouldn't travel
not even you'd go.

What whore of a ghost chose to revoke
a sentence left for death and blue;
purple panties, whatever else reminds you
of dying; New Jersey, her treasure
her state her pleasant razor wrecking balls
I call "home grown terror tactics,"
she calls breasts; flanking foot soldiers
fumbling codes and numbers
one for the lock the other for her phone
Her name is Sophie;
Sophia Southland?
Its all a northern idea anyway;
computers, convicts, conventions,
dictionaries medicine; men of war,
CHILDREN of GREEN PEACE,
slow paced half mile jogs to cars
and smoke and dust and shit;

Sophia Sutherland?
London's own, but L.A stole
for some movie about ships
pirates and sex? could've sworn
all the endings in California
are torn between killing the hero
and loving a whore
Staggering stations in Times Square,
leading to the Avenue
that tells me your name,
and the place by St. Marx
where we sold the love that we made
for a script of amphetamine pills
that you saved, splitting the lesser half
of a stash for benzos, beer, absinthe,
absent minded hip-pads, far past
"prog-rock," and cock rock, and
blue shots and white rocks
snort like a lady,
and downed hatching pop rocks
no rhythms,
no saviors,
just AA and hangovers that lasted much longer
than a week or a day or the time that they say
to recover from a sickness
with no name and no face
burrowing borrowing twilight's grace
roaring arousing erotic pace
masturbate while I smoke
the fire escape,
not too come down escape
for great lengths, or
I'm running puking overdosed
crazy, sad and sorry
but not stupid,
locking your door
drowning me in the tub,
god damn you New Jersey
her pet rock, grinding wheels
missing you--- bye--
kissing you well
wishes and hell;
deep in the heaps
of my own sleeping well.

Things I want to do:

Play shows in Portland
Go to Phoenix
Go to L.A and wander
Go to Shytown
Record music in Albuquerque
Take a road trip for no less than six months
Start to play shows again..

I feel like you do
a walk in the park
and shot in the dark
when street lamps turn blue
I feel like you,
you feel like I do.

You wonder
what for
when you're hiding out the side
you can't use the front door
never have to say more
cheapening a coupon
to balance out a whore.

Lead me to the wolves ever night
rip apart my feet walk and bite
snip and snipe,
fix the why
and turn wise
turn to cold ice coal
left alone,
don't touch a still born
he'll wake
and don't deteriorate
depleted trimesters,
semester
long over

and I'm long awaited
confiscated, loan lively
death wish;
contraband you found but planned
to find, didn't you
nothing goes smoothe,
a smiling nod with one tooth,
an inside job you just threw;

and if I sit any quieter, I think I'll fall apart
blow away like raindrops--
drowning in the lake
suffocate amidst other things
nothing speaks louder than dragging
a flower; patches of flour blow
flashes of powder show,
gashes and gashes flow

I'll compose a final note,
amuse a muse,
I can blow one more note
re-fuse the fuse;
show em up,
shot hot streaks
stretching sorta sunken
sad little smile
you've only walked a yard
stand still afront the mile;
you have only a little
more baggage than to stay a while.
kicking stomping ragging
to kill a little child
the seperate thing
to keep us neat

Suicide and envy,
lying binds and heavy
heaving outlines of hearts on my head,
flowers to wed
me to a breath,
first of all,
last wish next.

yeah speed in poland spring
sprung magic watering hole
half hearted hungry but,
amped beyond
strike me as a magician
struck me with a wand

signed the check like an autograph
said its just a habit--
called the waiter with only wrists
snapping flicks and signed her name for him
modestly incapable
shame me under the table

fences couldn't keep me
locked inside
fences couldn't keep you
on the outside this time

walked down 5th with no wallet on
the gauntlet
swinging bells like a circus ground
prince charming I got your daughter now,
whatre you gonna do,
prince charming I got your daughter now
I guess that makes me one of you
yeah one of your own.

of course we do
though I don't want to

batteries broke barriers
exploded on my mouth
over my face
now I glow,
and shout and hate
alkaline
and all things fine
make me glow
make it show
the worst part
about the dark
is I can't see you,
but watch me
I light up a room,
yeah see i grew
backwards
and sideways
and upside down.
shine and glow and glow and glow
shimmer show and show and no
glisten oh my no no no.

I started welbutrin, I get so depressed to the point where I feel like I've already commited suicide. Threats to myself, from myself, like a concerned parent or something. I look at everyone and try to find my nitch, as kevin said. My best remember whens are from rehab, and it makes everyone sad when I talk. I need to sleep this off, or shake it off, or shower it off.

a no nonsense good for less
heading out so deeply west
past philadelphia
no nonsense,
no nonsense
coherent if I do what they tell me
do what they tell me,
do you know what they tell me
I'm alone

I'll never be nothing
If i don't ask for something
I'll never be no one
if I can't be the one
who waits

waiting
a table for hours
no gratuity
just an attitude.

after hours always meant many things. I never liked sleeping, I was terrified I was going to be possessed when I was younger. Everyone in my life died in the night, why wouldn't the sultan of shadows take my heart but not crush the spark. I'd recite prayers nervously for sometimes an hour, nine and anxious-- praying my heart wouldn't implode from fear.

A boy is masturbating for the first time as you read this. An unlucky couple is having sex in a parked car. Someone is paying for sex from someone who is praying that they cum already. Face down in a lap, someone's daughter is kissing the ugliest part of someone with the same lips they've kissed their father with, or said "i love you daddy," with the same mouth. A child is dreaming of suicide, and a baby is born to become that child.

but I sit with my fly zipped, job interviews dancing in my head like amphetamines and a universe that is too large to ever wrap my mind around completely, or even a full percent. You can never fully understand the universe, other than in a word. I'm still terrified of sleeping, and overnights give the hint that the world is alive, even when you're not.

She took it away so I would stay faithful
I give and I give she only takes
busing tables doesn't pay well
I really wish they'd let me wait

down gyroscope
out liner notes
round wide and full
peek through the telescope

I come back I hate being ignored
I'd rather be someone to use
south street made me dizzy,
allure of youth and style hit me
grabbed a hold so tight I choked
forced me drinks and broke her hold
she walks away I see her passing
waving her hands like wands casting magic
fasten your straps lets go for a walk
the town is filled with streets and I can only seem to walk one

She took it away so I would stay faithful
I give and I give she only takes
all day long I'd hold her tight,
cause it don't pay to work overnights.

I make my money now the wrong way
I do what I can to get by
faking my death so they won't think of me,
a few years passed and they don't ask why.

Thundering loud
wide awake and shut your mouth
late breaks to be called out
a cloud of dust rolls
like lint
linger and dissolve again
breathe it in
exhale a different energy
abort, like a leprosy
make it sound good to me
I love to sit and watch you leave

New Jersey
dead locked in traffic
New Jersey
why hurry,
we're already late
for a garden state
shrubs and roses second place
New Jersey

Passed out again,
on a subway train
ugly, and so I cover my face
and cover my tracks
all the way to church lane
and pray to save my faith
restilled, yeah the refinery
no soles
my shoes are mine to keep
got them zip tied up
stumbling to get in a fight,
cocking my head to see

New Jersey
saw the smoke rise once
barely, too pure for my blood
why hurry,
it'll only take another week
to leave New Jersey
She shows soldiers
they're a returning from war
her shoulders
and baby so much more
than what's being pulled over,
and still there's something underneathe
New Jersey
Felt incomplete
down in NYC
avenue b,
stole a line from c
and Malcom's street
an avenue a ways a way
from 3rd and A
hopped on the bus,
a cigarette for lunch
over the bridge
until I flipped the switch
overdrive to off,
hoping just to sleep it off,
woke as a child again
drawing all the things we saw
outside new jersey.

visions veer side to side,
out of sight strictly stuck in mind
bending over backwards
trying not to scream
scrambled eggs and burnt toast
say how much you mean
certain styles like animals
noises like you've heard a ghost
pretending prettier visions
that don't remind me of prisons
climb through
shine to
shrines of me
inside of you-- got my pennies worth
better get my dollars worth
parking lots after dark,
"please do it already,"
am I good,
great-- all's well and all are ready
sturdy dead skin on your gurthy steady fingers
explode and climax-- resolved with no resolution
with a thousand pixels at my choice
its no wonder why there's so much confusion
saw you look like a sidewalk professional
or a priest staining the confessional
I just came but I'm ready to
leaving sick only trying to go home
the leaves are wet I'm trying to go home
the trees are bent still trying to go home
i'm never gonna find my way home.

The Wagon
First Issue---

Poetry
Commentary (Scotty)
Reviews***
Travel Guide



Poetry--- 4 random poems, explaination::

We hopped on board carelessly and whole heartedly before we knew what it was the wagon was dragging. Hope, or something as close to it as we could write or picture, without pictures-- without descriptions of visionless thoughts to be forced and flung like new flicks or the newest installment of the fad followings. There were so many days wasted watching for meaning in rooms where we weren't dying, we were attempting with the greatest desparations of wanting to see what else life had in store for not only us, but the rest of a country fallen to dreaming in circles. Remember whens like a disease that burrows and crawls and is never cured; only grows by more circles of remembering when "when" never happened. When could've been if, who, where, but not when. When was the safest route-- when was lying down still sulking and sunken.

I'm not sure when we hopped on board-- detoxes and behavioral hospitals, but we surely agree why.

I can't be this lonely
talking to a grown man
bitching and moaning
the world is round
spins round and round
the world is round
hugging the ground
the stool spins round
with my head on the ground

ceramic
trying not to think
one more shot
and I'll start crying
ceramic
I'm not really here

Here and now
hurry down
broadway, someway
far away
that doesn't say
what you don't say
and you won't stay

empty pockets,
lonely wandering
because the fare isn't paid
driving next to a couple,
where a gentleman pays your way.

Even when its supposed
to propose
a gentle notion
I suppose
to turn it up
and turn me on
it just makes me sad,

turns me off
turns me down,
it just makes me sad--
if you really have to finish,
make it quick
if we're really going through with it,
lets just do it

Don't be ashamed,
tamed stained names fade within days
Don't be afraid
the nay-say haters like whats tame

whatever gets you
do whatever gets you off,
alright.

The silent man shouts out
"New Jersey; East coast, East coast"
A violent man acts out,
"who heard me, I'm gonna learn you,"
One fist raised the other on his pocket watch
some kids play and wonder "whats this all about"
as they stop and watch
all there is to life is a feeble submission--
ceo's grant permission and nco's kill visions

if home is where you make it,
we better get started soon
its cold and there's no tell,
where I'll go to send a letter to you

Short cut routes and estimate
approximately celibate,
celebrate your sober date
and have a round on me
Torn up suits and destiny
drinking till you're next to me
I think I could make you shout
and scream

shed some truth,
Honestly, Probably
sed some truth
probably baby
make an honest man out of me

I told them all you're more than just
the girl around when I get drunk
the shots we kiss between before we order
the flowing strands of string we cut
to improvise one more act

The ground is tapped with copper wire
strapped strips roped proper attire
the golden age of digital days
tax cut breaks that never break
or, crest from the tidal wave of
deficits that never stay definite

Fragile


Rome fell too so don't feel much
ado, for something I don't love
for its namesake
a sad state, shake your head
but don't wake him
tip toe traveling across statelines
stationed in jersey city heights
I've gone this far,
what will I go back to.

Writing lies from a guiding light
shield your eyes or they'll wind up right
and take an idea or even a drag from you
Dead end jobs that promise a deal
minimum wage and the dreams they steal
With no degree in the lower field,

Miss come
miss come on back home,
Miss come
I got a home for you

Beating sheets on a beaten street
Dust and moth just need to eat
but they chose my sleeves
and socks and feet
Barefoot boys and gallop girls,
training for their lively roles
you're born to win
but you'll probably lose
shoot the caps and spin and spin and spin
the cowboy falls to the champion
cause he couldn't shoot the indian
the gallop girls laugh
and the cowboy holds his back

Miss come home,
I'd like to be with you now.

Shining slim slabs of silver Shining strips of sheet rock,
weighted up and ready to haul all cut up to air lock
all the straight studs straight studs students and bums
students and bums talking till their white in the gums
picking up the trash from the curb Lining tins of dust off
all they leave only hurts shakey plastic hands
trying to get the stash to the curb
Its an honest living Sure fire way, the only way I knew how
its an honest way
This novella taught me
much more than any university

Shimmy up the ladder
reaching for a hammer
the floorboards all cut loose,
rounded to a perfect oval
cutting corners to keep the overhead low
When you chose your route,
and I chose my route
I didn't know where I'd finally go

Nothing ever really upset me
slide shows, up and leave me
something forever nearly lasts a month,
why don't you believe me
Always knew I didn't have a use,
Except no one ever gave me proof

Stayed away,
and learned to make a nest
stayed away
and learned to make a nesting space

An apartment,
holding hands with Georgia,
in the south

Dropped to my knees
beneathe the clean cool closed in crawl
of the stall,
no wishing well to wish me well
weilding wasted dimes inside the urinal
better than the stall
piss on my dreams
but don't shit on me

Tired in a sick sort of way,
regrets lull me to bed
memories blare me to wake

Down in florida
with no order (nary) few
who saw the same side of
the cities as the one that I had too
with the eyes that shine familiar
back and forth projecting stiller
silent moments when it all went to hell

to the basement and the attic
just in case you start to panic
there's a cure they're selling for
a nickel sack
its worn and black
just like the back
of the parade on china day
just a few weeks in reverse
this year the lions
ate the pisces
my sign, no not the lion
just the pisces
squirming sad little fish

you threw your pole
in some hole
in the ice
where it shown
a few feet of water
"and I'm tired,"
yeah I know
just a few more blocks
we'll just hop the subway
waiting the station
we're there, yet we're lost
marking our patience
with bottles of rainbows
puddles of drips
dropping scorched from my smoke
half of a cig, half of my lungs
more than a third of the way,
on the train

tally the times
that I was short of willed
marry the light
to the darkness I'm thrilled
and enthralled
engulfed and stained wool
of the dropper,
dropped at the next stop
dirty bathroom stalls
brilliant times square
born broad and sturdy
straw man who hurts me
just let me borrow a bill for a while
smiling forcing
a smile's fourth course
when it all just seems like
a frown from before
and she's evening the score
because 1 and 1 is more
than just one of us copping
and not ever stopping
till late in the night
we run out of steam,
the very last dream that we had in our youth
burning so soon
I awoke nearing 20
just a decade too soon

to bloom,
wilting flower
no hip hip hoorays
on the last day of days
I woke in a casket
shaped detox bed
asking for led
catching my lead,
begging to feed
me food and pills
vitamins to free me
from disease but I chose
a softer way
cheeking remedies
seeking memories
sleeping the day,
the next decade away.

Florida's bunch of
solid hit slumps,
carried over 1,000 miles from
asking the time,
in the square--
she took the local
I took the express,
solemn and hopeful
she's still holding her breath.