ask me how I feel
when nothing quite appeals
quarter after one am
again
I've sunk through the bed
nightmares that I'm dead
most of which
keep me from falling asleep
once I blew a point 3
once I blew a point 2
drunk I threw a fit
lasts a lifetime
I don't want a lifetime

Tired
of second guesses
Life
that feels like a sentence

Watching cars circle
corner and reversals
mapping out whats at stake,
that they're free to take
once they break the stairwell
then I'll bid my fairwell,
half liberation
half escape and


home
stretch menial stances;
grasp the concept
passed on relationships

i can sit on the corner
watch a city swarmer
night watchman laid out
trying to storm the floor
make it through the hallway,
and out of the third floor
dull city tours around
that seem
that make new york
seem like allentown.

"Coughing, but, but I'm sneezing.."
wheezing bloody deadly life cut
envious arrays of T.B
violent shaking booming bursts
try and stay silent
for gray film to develop
and hide in the envelope
addressed from the nursing home
nursing back to health,
burning back to hell
churning wax from melted
wax burnt embers and ambers
and timbering limbs
sent to match
a cigarette ration
of three, a piece, each week
equal rights action
so slow it shows

Sputtering fits
spit and the Xyphoid is broken;
man handled,
bear hugged or simply
left choking on
thoughts that occur everyday
on replay
as to re-wind brings a time
to your mind where you're dying;
wife son step child
they're all dying, and while
they're six six seven feet deep
to their knees with roaches
and flees, I'm alive
and I plead, let heaven have Susanne
and let Gladys take me;

Not to the shower,
nor to the bed
where the shocks
cost an hour of time
from my head
and the worried ways learned
just burn and burn
and my skull as it turns
shows the scars from the urn
where you held those deaths
so close to my neck
that it burned up my throat
and rattled my head,
so the foundation is breaking
and the hospital's shaking;
old graystone, white stone
is cobble stoned no man's home
homeless ghosts only roam
next door;
timeless toasts timely omen
I'm dressed for

Wedding bells
Shattered rays
crying spells
golden age; golden days
frozen from shockage and voltage
because I was the cursed,
the braggard the chosen
to be plucked from the ward
where they sent me to rest
before I unload thoughts
with no bullet proof vest
It's two thousand ten

Human beings exist?
show me a one of them
you're staring at shit;
screen clean showering beams
bloodied and beat
he's seen towering me,
coward and terrorized
horrified, petrified
standing in place like my feet are no good
and I've taken shock therapy
and my heart is just wood
but you broke off the xyphoid
process and I'm void
protection the best care
my best friends my ex ends
and wedding days betting waves
hit us before the hangover does
because we're so drunk in ecstasy
punch drunk in love--

Remember the tower
that fell along side
the bell in the tower
was much too high,
far too loud
headaches and head colds
and six phrases repeat;
repent I admit
that the life that I led
28 years of it
I'd never done anything
worse than the rest of them
45 later
abused as an old man
would you stop,
and speak everyday
when the only acknowledgement
is in the worried hurried pace
that I say when I shrivel
my face, and replay
the poison they fed me,
the showers they led me
straight from to my bed
where electricity pumped
through my veins to my head;
and the hospital is falling
if you want a fair trade
I'll show you your freedom
just look at my face
its the face of your free nation
error of ways; immigrant nurses
to fuck with my terror phased
days that don't end
and when you're ready
to deal with it
everyone will pretend
its not real.

this town isnt big enough
for you and me
this town isnt big enough
for you and me

move it to the city
some place so big
no one could identify me
just another face in
a town so small
it made the city so big

don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught
don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught

packing and re-packing
plastic snow globes
recycling a gift yeah
only secret santa knows
this town isnt big enough
for you and me

so don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught
don't tell
don't tell
don't get caught

don't get caught
don't get caught
don't get caught
don't get caught up

photographs
glass smashed
in the living room
polaroids
all the time i've been giving you
images
revisited
of what's been getting into you,
this city's not big enough for you too.

I'm the old user
cruising accustomed to
old styles of ways
she's a bold new one
walking the same song
marley sang three decades
pretty persuasion plays
her own precussion,
its a different version
with the same song muffling.

getting on top
like I'm getting off,
but all bets are off
when its not time to stop
light hearted heavy hearted
its all gonna give
dizzy spells and white outs
the times I relive

shots of kerosene
prayers for sleep
got us rain instead
stained white maybeline
conceal the piece
of me too dull to see.

seen a girl,
so tightly wound
I held her hand
and she spun me around
I met her guy,
hardly a match
a real prize fight
gonna throw the match

i want you to know
that I'm thinking of you,
when everyone's telling me
what not to
and part of the do's
doesn't include you,
when I'm thinking of you..

Sick days;
six days from now
sick days would be paid,
but too late, feverish
frail jaundice flu-like
fetishes fucked me, and fucked me good
head aches, perspire
conspire
admire the higher and lower
and all in between
that feel less like ice
and not quite on fire;

a forehead the glistens,
red left for dead ears
missing the lessons
open mouthed visions
proceed on repeat,
until even my cheeks
are as red as my sheets;

a system of theories stamped
in the hallway, night lights and sky rise
shackled shadows, homeless ghosts
that almost know
how to chase warmth
when they're fleeing the cold
or fill up the children
when they're feeding the old;
a system left keys to unlock
disease, these three pertinent values
that I dare not value;

Life-- more like a sentence or a lesson or penance;
a condolence of death, "grant it as it will,
he will oh she will, and when they do,
we will chill--"

Love, the lack luster
silver linings of smoke filled
rooms, kissing the floorboard
to avoid scorced scores of ceilings
that seem more like the devil's own linen
and hardly appealing;

Happiness; oh, all I want
and all I shot
for a lovely lifetime;
and what I got was not nearly
the glimpse or glimmer or shimmer
or stammering stunningly innocent
image one entails entitlement towards;
winnings for winners,
lost chances for sinners and sons of
streak-baring, no luck downed dumb
average, below the curve, names taken
from the failings of fathers;
this is my life, love, happiness?
amphetamines peak
and never dare we, he
I, New York imagine a sleep,
so deep and entwined in a peace
that we sleep;
that we dream of America
and American Dreams;

Covered by red rags,
blue faces scared to death
and white roses encroaching a spirit
that had never once seen,
flowers turned to worms
or red roses turn green.

Whispers seeping through an empty air vent,
duct taped in order to prevent
the last stitch, last ditch effort
of problems, solutions, solving the solvent
by subtracting oxygen from the addent,
advent, adverse perverse perfumes
instead of breathes we inhale exhales;
we laugh sighs, we cry wise words of
weary worth;
"believe in fate,
we, needing faith
hate leaving space
in the gates of the angels
that save; of the safe grace
that grazes the faces of the fake
names of people; surrounded by places
bounded by traces of truths
that were thought,
with the devil in mind
and his demons though not you;"

I used to sleep
on a bed of roses,
red ones turned me
into a boy,
who turned these red roses green;
I used to sleep
on a bed of roses
so perfect and calm
that no one cared,
nor dared or noticed
how alchemists
could transpire gold green roses..

the wells dry
not a drop
but its well enough
sell rock sell pop
gone to hell enough
yet?
you can't imagine
what I'm coming down from
coming down with
you can't imagine
where its taking me to,
its taking me too

so, tell mom tell pops
all about my love
eager anxious and a ton of drugs,
no life was this fun
unless it had to be
couldn't stop wouldn't stop
face your tragedies and go
go on go on go on
calm down calm down come home soon

so, broke blues bruised two's
and i'm twenty one,
seven-seventeens 30 3's
1993
4 scored more girls
than imaginary
fixes would drag
hitting a drag
blisters from bags
and scales and slimy fingertips
bad bags, bed bugs mystery hits
that're calling you out,
calling you're name
the end of your life,
or are you just high.

Shown a light in the dark
singing how the gray angel's arc
won't float in the flood
rising on above
rats are using pebbles
to flow with the crest,
cause chances are
chances are
not too good
still the chances are

out of flavor and bitter
our savior's the pick of the litter
pure promotion to become better
nothing ever tastes the way
it surely should taste
until you start to save
earnings hard
chances are

I'll feel worst at first
can't always turn it around

riots there in the air,
stampede on the ground
no one's looking glass
our directions a mess
and abstinence is surely passed
grand tests understand
how statistics are
dance and star
one of a kind
but chances are

Don't ask me why I
never close my eyes
speaking before I think
think well enough to blink
over-pried when I'm tired
wide eyed like I'm wired

Telescope, kleidascope, microscope
dissect direct objects,
and keep them close
chances are

I saw a girl once
she looked like good luck
she was close up
lightening just broke up
explode emotions
wide eyed with hope

Fibbing in the mirror
and I'm blowing a kiss
winking in the mirror
taken for what it is

I've been looking lately
a real hard while
Who's gonna replace me
when I'm not alive
I've been looking lately
a real off white

Andover's the turning point
there's no turning back
once you're status three
you're never going back down
chasing my reflection
taken for what it isn't

I've been looking lately
a real hard while
who's gonna replace me
when I'm not alive
I've been looking lately,
a real off white

pale white
trail lines
hail sire
real white
ghost cold
broken toes
standing on my heels
wondering who's a ghost
and who's really real
I've been looking lately,
a real off white.

stricter look to business
than I cared to get
likings for prescriptions
that I carefully get

snow stormed into rehab
spent our christmas eve,
MD went out and went back
and's still out it seems

we wrote our initials just above the sink,
cheek daily prescriptions or they'll make you sick,
giving them to Elliott
and watching his back
crushed up his suboxon
and I'm watching his back
looking like a vacuum with a skull for a base,
passed almost as human with a sunken face,
J and MD twelve sixteen

booked a flight for florida
just after the fight
broke my tray in order
just to last through the night

what really happened in the dining hall
I remember snapping
and hoping you saw--
proved to you,
proved to him,
just after the fight

Summer blew
on through
fall swept in
and led to you

he failed as a writer
and everyone knew
he failed as a writer
took a liking to you

hide out
hide out
hide out, now

someone said your daddy was
a president
sitting in his caddy
taking medicine,
blow a kiss
if you can recall what happened next

Here we are at day one; stimulants and oragami figures against my wall in shadow puppets. Crooked lamp posts and street lights flicker as the driving wheel turns on command; I demand. I thought a lot about my sorrows, and the guilty promise maker's excuses. I'm certain you were made too quickly-- about a decade's worth of gusts of winds too soon, so as your head felt so heavy and hurt just a tenth more than it should have. "What life," she thinks as she stops off of the sidewalk-- others pass and think, "What luck--" to be so beautiful, and hidden. I have a secret that isn't supposed to be shared, the rest of the mouths of this life will ruin it; echoes and off key, laid low sort of language ricochetting off of their un-polished tongues. She carries herself like she were Atlas-- a world to make an impression on by putting up with the weight of grave impossibility. Shackles of heroic strength mellow her, as its too much a handicap to walk with.

The Greek's had their methods, as do modern day writers. Atlas is a woman, today, yesterday and in 1980 even. It took three decades for her to realize she was really a dove and could no longer be caged by the awful gate keeper. "Aye, life.." she thinks as she flutters away like a dream in a tunnel..

A decade too late was a boy born who brought nothing but heavy harm and saddened, slow motion sickness to everything he thought up. "What luck," he thinks while he steps onto the sidewalk. The Greek's had no premonitions for him, but later, we would all begin to think he sped himself up, because she slowed herself down. And somewhere in between passing realms, they realized the relativity of a steady pace. He turned into a crow, to chase the dove, and whispered, "What love," as she smiled shyly. They'd met in the middle of 1984, as predicted by Orwell, the world was much too controlled for them to have been happier elsewhere. Their friends-- lovers of literature, met in subways and train stations; airplanes and plain faces fixated upon a couple-- the latter. How gorgeous is sanity? How refreshing is a breeze? Fighting an eternity to feel just the slightest breeze of relief, they found sighs against each other's neck was much more worthy of living for.

I hope I'm holding
dirty hands
than ones that just don't care
bliss and chips
cold shoulders
shoot the shit
hold the shift
family crests
implode like shit
on the name of every ancestor
Our father
who isn't remembered
for slaving for the state
massacred by doctor bills
asked for our estate;

And I
was given advice
to sort and tame the wild
"All good men are equal,
and others stay on trial"
so the judges guilty verdict
stings and stuns the shadows
stalked sons and stunned daughters
are all posing on the gallow;
picture perfect picture
frames with over exposed
negatives
you told me this is where it ends
but its just where it begins.

I've paid no mind
to any idea that wasn't written
before a great depression;
lay down a single drug addict
to the gods of a nation

the prophets
they're in an uproar
armed themselves with rocks
fine print dissolved
in rockets sure shot
sore pox and incinerated pockets
so the lining's
less than the header
5 cents a pop
predictions are like a great fuck
one that never stops

oh, Georgia
did you lose yourself again
southern charm can't comfort
even the proudest gentleman

My is a word
thats un-nerving
when nothing's truly yours
if I'm not paying for lenoleum
footprints on the floor,
or some tasteless other trinket
to keep the white house
neat during war

so whats gonna stop me
from going out again
when everything gained
is in expense

and whats gonna keep me
in this time
when everything dies before its time

flash backs
of relapse
and smashed glass
fractions
way back in the past
thrown in the trash
to take one more blast
and be turned for good
crystal ash
to shoot the soot,
before it turns to shit
to call my name
before it leaves your lips

whispered
how I missed her
as I kissed her
promises
no don't desert her

whiskey turns a kid
into a grown up
taking licks
shots out and thrown up
scampered sadly
through south street
reminding me,

I only know,
what I know
from what I've done
I only go
where I've gone
because I learned
trashed secrets
everyone forgot.

delayed
delayed
delayed
slow motion on a winter street
so cold it scared the both of us
to speed
the postcard came from florida
meant for your daddy
to hear from his daughter
the room and board was cheaper
cause the windows were smashed up
freezing on the top bed
just a little bit chilly,
returned a letter sent to sparta
that caught me in philly
I could've strayed farther
and I should've stayed longer
but I thought for sure
frankford would kill me

tell me what you're thinking
today
7 months and lifting it away
delayed
delayed
delayed
re-pay
old debt
broke checks,
bounced beds
old debt
broke checks
sold sex

tell me what you're thinking of
sometime
standing in the shade
away from sunshine
tell me the mistakes
we're on account of
staying awake for days

tell me it was all a bad decision
the kinds you only make
when I act insistant
fucking up again
to cop prescriptions
that were not ours
tell me what its like
that you broke through
west palm beach to malibu
detoxed clean and good as new
I'm not up to speed with you

delayed
delayed
delayed
on the fire escape
because the new york sun
only seems to paint
flip book skies that fade away
it took time to dry out
before it died out
on the fire escape.

clenched tightening
I might've overdone
what I already did
flexed frightening
and fighting
you're on your side
breathing on my knee
i'm on my back
praying to sleep
if i wake
or I lack
what it takes to awake
then I took every step backwards
that I didn't mean to take.

someday son,
saturn's moon
will be sundays sun
sometime soon
just to prove it to you
I'm counting
two twenty twos
to round up to

but you're 21
and there's more than one
for me to choose
two twenty two's

they don't miss
when they shoot
taking the shot for the honor
of the target
shades turn on tips
of bar tops
burning the black top
cause something might've slipped

but you're twenty one
and theres more than one
for me to choose
two twenty twos
the equation I use
that adds up to
one more than you

so hang your head,
doll
roll your eyes
balling
your cheeks out
and play dead
dog
play dead dog.

so I spent my christmas
withdrawing from bliss
with people all around me
tremors yeah half awake
wondering if I'm faking
blue sheets blue covers
her face

and you'll feel much worse
before you feel much better
sped up so fast
in a christmas sweater
she slows down
she slows down
so I can get her.

Laps around night time
the square where we stare
into the night sky;
in time for the blue moon
turning to ice

the holidays and I'm eating
sleeping listening with ease
to serene memories
I never met someone like you
no matter where they sent me
California or Lantana
heres my wednesday bandana
and a thursday beanie

I'm putting notes
in the hiding post,
threats to turn you white as a ghost
letting you know
that I am mean
horse shoe crab
amphetamines.

You cry
cause you choose to
and I'm not used to
feeling this way again
even though I knew you'd
call me feeling like a friend
who says everything right
and it just might
change the way that this has to end

Send me a pill
thats hard to swallow
crushed trying not to spill
the news that I use
to keep me amused
when I dream of how far you've traveled
while you actually
actually
actually

already
act deadly
and rather than friendly
cold and bitter yeah angry
twice removed
and now we're through
and you cry because you choose to
you cry because you choose to
cause all I ever do is use
and all you've ever been is used.

Wide angle
shuffle my shoes;
strangling my angel
muffling clues
and blaming my baby,
and you're blaming my baby

what do you need girl
what do you need from me

dried out and dried up
look at you
crooked nosed and silk eyes
to see through
concealer and paint
that you caked just so you
wouldn't look plain
and wouldn't complain

so what could you need girl,
what could you need from me
what more to ask for
when I've given it all
the car the pills my church
the sake of my name

so
keep keep complacent
keep keep changing your place
ABC town to L.A
make sure you're dragging your weight

a verdict slurring from my pallet
shatter a person with a mallet
a sentence that doesn't seem to valid
and how do I feel
to say that its the final time
when I highly doubt it

going to prison
going to jail,
when I go missing
I must be lost in the mail

I heard what the word was
should've learned not to say it
so I won't because
it really hurts when I say it

going to prison
going to jail
when I go missing
I must be lost in the mail

sound body
sound mind
signed a life to the wind
to take like a kite
a sound soul its brand new
to take like a kite
a sound soul its brand new
yeah i'll never fly
and neither will you.

If I knew who I was
I wouldn't think twice
about calling me dull;
you're just acting nice
afraid I'm out of control

so precisely tell them nice
every picture
down to the photo booth
I chose to look
but what did you choose
what did you choose

Fixate myself on you
fixate myself on you
fixated (myself) on you
first date,
never coming back to you

blunt force of trama
left a lot of
memories back in the ward
I had a daughter,
and sorta
remember we used to go to the store
shopping for candy
stop for a milkshake
malted hands holding alike
but then her father
took the honor
of telling me they took my ex wife's life
that night
back in 1975

west 209
I reside all the time
west 209
turning frail
burning kerosene tonight

and now gladys,
is the saddest
name to mutter down the hall
shock treatment
left me speachless
with only one thing left to say

the sky is falling
this hospitals falling
i wanna leave you're insane
if you want to stay

west 209
I reside all the time
my bed is on the right,
and everything is fine
west 209
stole my mind
gladys chose to love so much
she died

then one summer
you took my mother
and my sister took me to
the right of greystone
to a payphone
admitting me, she could hardly say so

oh west 209
for the rest of my life
west 209
this hospitals on fire
west 209
the rest of my life
collapse my lungs,
collapse the ward
until atlast I see my wife.