playing quarters
and a nickle slot
white knuckles and a dollar forgot
faded dresses lifting high for more
I can't stay this way too long,
and I don't think I'd want to

do it when it feels right,
it never feels right
I'll stick it out when I'm ready
I'm never ready

soft palms and broken vows
pictures tell a thousand words
only a couple come out real loud
a few are gonna get you burned
I can't stay this way too long

I don't exactly remember when
because my memory is fuzzy
I fell asleep at ten one night
and woke up at 20
another dead head with a dream and a buck
who can't keep still for a moment
picking pennies off the corner for dumb luck
that no one else seems to notice

all my friends over the years
finally rose up and settled
all with a family and purpose
but I
understand I'm just worthless
I'll pay someone to pretend we're in love
I'm so desperate tonight
You should come
run the meter and pretend we're in love
just a kiss,
just to be touched

I felt a breath brush my hand in a daze
someone who surely don't know me
high on speed with the blues now for days
rousseau and still I feel lonely
made a map out of places to go
where there'd be someone to show me
the different ways to be happy

rambling on the bus
about arlington
and lake michigan
lincoln park
like chicago's my only friend
I'm running into the end

every girl over the year that I see
is doing better than me
the more and more that I peak
I'm coming down inside a store
selling me books and antiques
while every ex seems to be
happily married

curb picking
on the avenue
better than new
a treasure is better used
held a use for you,
it could work for me too
once I know it came from you.

hope comes from a city
to dissolve in like sweat
dripping onto concrete streets
cool and fresh my forehead is wet
and it feels like
yeah it feels like I'm dry

The whole world
is staring at me
The whole world is
is staring is staring at me

broken from a poker game
kept it cool but lost my face
stabbing in the air for a heart
slicing through the deck like a throat
the subway is a voyage
when you're going where I'm going
and we're two more blasts apart
shooting glares like darts

and the whole world
is staring at me;
yeah the whole world is
is staring, is staring at me
when you feel so small
21 years tall,
and my names just carved
on the edge of a bar
and etched on the edge of a cliff
where nobody else is looking
but me
the whole world is staring
staring at me
the whole world is staring staring
staring staring at me.

one week ago
we watched leaves float
towards the end of the park
where we wouldn't walk towards
Someone just told
some mean joke
about denim vests
and the way you were dressed,
deep and offended
I put up my best defense
but even defenses can rot
and tarnish; lacquer turns
to rot, embellished in knots
and all of the things that a fence should not

So then we shot stars
to the end of a galaxy
a universe in mars
a solar sign to kiss your cheek,
but you felt too young
a lot younger than history
between;
I shook my head
at the truth, oh
we know all the planets
are satellites, except for pluto
estranged darkened blue pluto
where warning shots we shoot go,
kisses miss and wishes lift
to the woman of my dreams
and the man on the moon too

One hour from now
the air turns sharp and vibrant
flares and dynomite;
vapor-- exciting premonitions
I know I'm over reacting,
but its long past due;
one week ago
just won't make
for a whole life of months filled with weeks
disappointing,
should've stayed clean
degrees, currency--
men of business,
midnight urgency; parties
smiling crying everyone who's anyone
will be there,
an hour from now
my bed turns up
discount items
and hand me downs.

think disgusting things when you're getting off
hookers-- quick "fuck" so drunk and raunchy
girls that take their clothes off
to be the girl who takes their clothes off
because he looks like someone worth doing it for
bent over car seats, backs arched
hair over their faces like a paper machette
masks, trashy halloween costumes
tramping around sneaking up the stairs
to my room, free rides, cigarettes
calling you soon
or not calling at all
locked the door had a ball
and another one down
yes another posted hatch
cross hatches and exes etched
flexing my "metaphorical casanova" muscles
seen around town in a car
with my face down
eyes on the dashboard
waiting to make out
like a bandit with my pants down
and wrists flat
inhaling a cigarette flicking off ash
led astray and its into the ashtray
breathing is great
but blue skies turn gray
lightening and thunder thighs
cottage doubles and puke;
throwing up my hands, praying god take away
the deviance in getting laid
blowjobs from fat girls--
parties with not one person I like,
only people I hate
leaving with the ugliest girl
when I know I could get one of the prettiest girls
gagging myself in the shower
to lose weight for these pretty girls
drinking until I forget every persons name
in every worthless place
I've ever seen;
Wishing I were insane,
heavily sedated
awkward drooling play date
prayer case; fucking loving
intoxication, detoxification
from holier than thou;
demonic and manic
hurtful; relations
relating direct insane sons
to their mothers, brothers
fathers sisters actors
I could've been a black man
newark's car jacking stints
stunts cut coke laced blunts
fishnets and red pumps;
red skirts and my, my head hurts
eyes without eyeliner
mascara smeared to make eyes
seemed line; less brightness,
more fire-- dull lines
that used to be fine lines
towed across, stoicly crossed
dare I mention, venturing adventures
wishless, no destinations
amtrak tickets and prescribed medication
these are a few things worth living for
looking out for; out towards the side door
Missouri looks a lot like Kansas;
Kansas leads us not into temptation--
Dallas; Austin--
straight to route 66
where I didn't get kicks
instead I took hits
and swigs
and fell asleep blitzed,
woke up scared shitless
bumping arms in harlem
out of harms way
australian accents saved face
on a few different occasions,
where the matadors minor scale
was completely, strictly turned major;
and lullabies subside in great sighs,
saying good bye wishing we could cross smiles
or lips, or tips of our tongues
or our heels touch
display love, not falling asleep
sick from the sadness
i know I'll never beat.

drank up
shake up
way passed
hanged up
caught down like a spider web
the smaller the insect
the tighter the net
dangle dazzle I hate myself
and wish I'd just croak
streets corrode with dynamite
she's prepared to blow
fell down now I hate myself twice
burned my clothes
my wrists are soaked,
I just want to go home
tiger lillies on the beach
a childs reach left cresting waves
to gently leak
the roots the pedals
my boots, my necklace--
all things mesmorize
finalize the prophecy
I think its time to die
blue skies and fireflies
lightening bugs
take this standing up
backwards
forwards,
never alive
mesmorize.

I'm drowning like a butterfly
caught up in the rain
clipped wings and sputtering
trying to get away
fell down like a cannonball
rippling the ground
belt high seems a lot lower
when you're afraid to make a sound

Hung up
let down
isn't it funny
Fucked up
let down
isn't it funny
cool as char
on the barstool
isn't it obscene
I never want the day to turn
do you know what I mean.

all you girls and boys
will tell your children
how you dumpster dove
head first halo grinding liars
inches from your ugly parts
skirts high and blinders;
fucked on the first date,
swallowing pride and pre-dispositions the next
i love you's and drunk dials next leg,
lest left tapped heads from
stacked kegs-- whiskey
and wine great hell of a time
queer beer drinker clubs,
fraternities, orderlies, next of kin,
etc..

Women who boast
making 2K in a day,
the absence of respect
keeps arrows
long ways away;
cupid came in your sleep,
ever so neat
stained silk sheets
asleep before midnight
5 days of the week,
Saturday's sloppy
slutty shit show, sunken eyes
sex-- a diner
reminisce, shoot the breeze
dutchess von check;
half a bill to suck up
whatever's left of an ego;
a full bill takes much longer
for a full nose to froze
over; and under, above
beyond; before, after

Remember when--
the lonely friend
took a knife to his throat
and came out the wrong end;
the pills to overdose,
were a shade under
comatose, vegetables
blundered;
frustrated fatally
left alive,
left alone;
last breaths and futuraphobes;
dandelions grow
where you pissed on the lawn,
cold leaves fall,
blackbirds crow.

you lift your feet
bide time
hide while inside
scurrying feet from worrying zombies
faces caught up with words of wisdom
inching a foot, then yards again inches
give or take a few years of pills
heroin abuse
the ivy league brought me back to you
chomp stomping lunatic-- maniacs,
risperdal clocks telling what time "I ought,"
what time I ought not

could it be the lovely spark
igniting off the ugly part
or maybe its just the southern tip
of a northern town
where living feels much more like
just existing now

writing poetry
prose and she
is awkwardly fumbling thoughts
drawing words anything to post pone
consequence
good looks
and awkward glances
cook books and us both dancing

you want me to be in love with you

i can show you
new plus true
inhabits me and you

Stray far from cancer
drunk by myself
only loners need answers
rebellions a thought
thats neither sold nor bought
not a lesson to learn
or a script to be taught
stray far from cancer
capricorn trances

Dying the course of a life,
Trying of course to get it right
that's just the impact
of crashing,
never high only low

Break up break up
the hold is strong
by hold meant the grip
of the air burning midnight coal
trains planes and prairies
magically granted freedom like fairies
prayed once to god,
and i'll never pray again
said i love you once,
but i'll never say it again

Dying the course of a life,
Trying of course to get it right
that's just the impact
of crashing,
never high only low

Suffering the old man's disease
think you had me beat
almost convincing me
running underneathe
the over pass
jump on the street
skipped a curb
skipped a rock
no one heard
no one's shocked

told you i'd leave after a few
catching my breath
lining my throat with dew
nothing left
but the linger of you
so I hit to the open road
where even ghosts wouldn't travel
not even you'd go.

What whore of a ghost chose to revoke
a sentence left for death and blue;
purple panties, whatever else reminds you
of dying; New Jersey, her treasure
her state her pleasant razor wrecking balls
I call "home grown terror tactics,"
she calls breasts; flanking foot soldiers
fumbling codes and numbers
one for the lock the other for her phone
Her name is Sophie;
Sophia Southland?
Its all a northern idea anyway;
computers, convicts, conventions,
dictionaries medicine; men of war,
CHILDREN of GREEN PEACE,
slow paced half mile jogs to cars
and smoke and dust and shit;

Sophia Sutherland?
London's own, but L.A stole
for some movie about ships
pirates and sex? could've sworn
all the endings in California
are torn between killing the hero
and loving a whore
Staggering stations in Times Square,
leading to the Avenue
that tells me your name,
and the place by St. Marx
where we sold the love that we made
for a script of amphetamine pills
that you saved, splitting the lesser half
of a stash for benzos, beer, absinthe,
absent minded hip-pads, far past
"prog-rock," and cock rock, and
blue shots and white rocks
snort like a lady,
and downed hatching pop rocks
no rhythms,
no saviors,
just AA and hangovers that lasted much longer
than a week or a day or the time that they say
to recover from a sickness
with no name and no face
burrowing borrowing twilight's grace
roaring arousing erotic pace
masturbate while I smoke
the fire escape,
not too come down escape
for great lengths, or
I'm running puking overdosed
crazy, sad and sorry
but not stupid,
locking your door
drowning me in the tub,
god damn you New Jersey
her pet rock, grinding wheels
missing you--- bye--
kissing you well
wishes and hell;
deep in the heaps
of my own sleeping well.

Things I want to do:

Play shows in Portland
Go to Phoenix
Go to L.A and wander
Go to Shytown
Record music in Albuquerque
Take a road trip for no less than six months
Start to play shows again..

I feel like you do
a walk in the park
and shot in the dark
when street lamps turn blue
I feel like you,
you feel like I do.

You wonder
what for
when you're hiding out the side
you can't use the front door
never have to say more
cheapening a coupon
to balance out a whore.

Lead me to the wolves ever night
rip apart my feet walk and bite
snip and snipe,
fix the why
and turn wise
turn to cold ice coal
left alone,
don't touch a still born
he'll wake
and don't deteriorate
depleted trimesters,
semester
long over

and I'm long awaited
confiscated, loan lively
death wish;
contraband you found but planned
to find, didn't you
nothing goes smoothe,
a smiling nod with one tooth,
an inside job you just threw;

and if I sit any quieter, I think I'll fall apart
blow away like raindrops--
drowning in the lake
suffocate amidst other things
nothing speaks louder than dragging
a flower; patches of flour blow
flashes of powder show,
gashes and gashes flow

I'll compose a final note,
amuse a muse,
I can blow one more note
re-fuse the fuse;
show em up,
shot hot streaks
stretching sorta sunken
sad little smile
you've only walked a yard
stand still afront the mile;
you have only a little
more baggage than to stay a while.
kicking stomping ragging
to kill a little child
the seperate thing
to keep us neat

Suicide and envy,
lying binds and heavy
heaving outlines of hearts on my head,
flowers to wed
me to a breath,
first of all,
last wish next.

yeah speed in poland spring
sprung magic watering hole
half hearted hungry but,
amped beyond
strike me as a magician
struck me with a wand

signed the check like an autograph
said its just a habit--
called the waiter with only wrists
snapping flicks and signed her name for him
modestly incapable
shame me under the table

fences couldn't keep me
locked inside
fences couldn't keep you
on the outside this time

walked down 5th with no wallet on
the gauntlet
swinging bells like a circus ground
prince charming I got your daughter now,
whatre you gonna do,
prince charming I got your daughter now
I guess that makes me one of you
yeah one of your own.

of course we do
though I don't want to