Spark Sensation

Coming so close to dying was like watching an old picture at the theater. The further I sat from the screen, the easier it was to make out the dots. These dots were subtle at first-- 2 dimensional and much like floaters fixed on making the eye wander. I looked over my emergency bed to see a little girl, an apparition in this life, but someone destined to be of grave importance in the next.

The dots swarmed around her lifeless little legs, and in a fury flashed over her entire body like fireworks. Her heart monitor flatlined, and she lay all alone.

I looked at the ceiling, and the sparks stayed over me. My monitor went on and off throughout the night, each time the sparks stayed like their were stuck in the night sky watching down on me.

There were stop signs that we sped through; red lights that we sped through and seatbelts that carressed our flesh until our veins bulged through our sleeves. I could feel my heart racing as if we were being chased, but we were trying to flee far away from the bondages of sitting still. Though still we sat, we drove with purpose and dare i say meaning.

The Trap Door was the bar we'd wash out in. It stood on a sidewalk where all the other stores were long closed. The Slow Modes ran shoot suites and sex stays there. We walked past as our knees, our hands even time dragged and my wrist watch slowed. By now, of course my watch was worn down from the Which Watch I had pawned for rent and more absinthe.

Out leveling
Parked cars in the street
the devils wish or seniority
I killed the old ones
to save a new born

Ideas to fling
under the kitchen sink
a christmas wish
I wasn't sick
Clean the closet
out with the basement

Paranoid composure
when the ground froze
heart pumped with the pressure
a frozen hose
Leave the front yard
bare like the back
as long as it looks neat
they're off your back
or dry in the open
emerging sun
you gotta thaw or remove it
either one
for all you people
the lesser evil

I lost my train of thought
so let me repeat again
in regards to relationships
and sexual deviance
I don't give a fuck
they've all been snuffed

Overdrawn exposure
the suns too close
gonna melt like a snowman
in second hand clothes
but I'm tired of pretending
there's more than a use
for poor entertainment
and there's my cue

there's no threat of a note
the best bet is a hole
i forget all the rest
of my home as a whole
just leave me out in the cold
just leave me out in the cold
just leave me out in the cold
and cover me before you go.

i think about having sex with you
even though i think i'd know what it'd feel like
i'm just about positive there's nothing to lose
but i am certain that i have no use
for you

and now the way you show me sex
won't convince me that its best
for me
and all of the images i think of
are simply glimpses

i think about having sex with you
but you couldn't get me drunk enough
to pretend i feel love
for you or any other person
i don't drink but if i did
i can almost guarentee
it'd take a long night with me and johnny
a long night walker read,
some fucking joke about how
you were made for me
and another joke about making my bed

my head on the concrete
dropped down and there is
silence and peace
and its half of how it feels
to be dying
the holidays this year
are worse than my birthday

i'll pretend that i
am not as selfish
as i think that you suppose
and though i'm lying here
stale fish flailing my fins in the air
i'm not as helpless
as i think that you know
and i wish that you'd know
that i am fair

i do not segregate my immense dislike
in colors or in codes
in fashion or in folks
its just that everything
feels like a thusday
between my job
and bounced checks
and loans and moans
feels like everything is out to hurt me

I learned medical documents
on trial and error;
social service
trial and error
records and write ups
look into the life
like dimentia
its hard to remember
as bad as today
there's always tomorrow
or never
or sadness
night terror
morning panic
shaking--- where are my clothes
oh, and my nose is froze
blowing smoke and blowing
cold ice, warm ice,
up and down like a ladder
and everything's great
yeah everythings fine
they say its a matter
of opinion,
Jay Jay's ladder
was raised slightly higher
than your pedestal
i'm one of them--
the swarm of warm blooded
hot loving cold killers
I'm a thumb print on my
face and the negative
outweighs the positive space
and the good intentions
from the radio until i fall asleep,
taught me how to fuck up
everything that I need.