the heart broken other lover
splashing in southern comfort
smashed to his teeth
when it bombs
hits lows while dragging his feet
but you'll convince yourself
it was a treat.

you'll convince yourself it was a treat
you'll convince yourself it

was the decent attempt
not a recent event
that condemns any action
you're making
excuses he
my face and back
all while she
convinces herself it was a treat
convincing myself this is not me.

why do you do what you do
what you do what you say
when I don't feel the same
way that you may say
you do
what you do why you do what you do

smoke outs
and danced at the bonfire,
we lit the joint
made our grooves
on the front lawn
imprints of bodys
that never would feel wrong

in my head
in a carbomb
with a door ajar
i drown to death
before you heard her hear
more like a cough
and less like a last breath

I went to high point-- the highest peak of new jersey
I nursed a hangover, sweating out all of the toxins
from a night of binge drinking black outs
broke; broke out wads like a big shot
and now I'm just nodding
took a handful
and jerked off.
I decided the most defiling thing to do to any woman
is to fuck her in her ass
I went to a meeting
and tried hard not to show
that I was sweating
and thinking more of poems
and love notes,
than I was of staying clean
you can't bottom out
when you're bottomless
because the hole you dig
never fucking ends
just starts in the middle
and works itself forward
or backwards
circle jerking bunch of bastards
no one will give me what I want,
no one will sell me what I want
so all I got is all I got
but I went to high point,
the highest peak in new jersey
and climbed 220 feet
in a spiraling stair case
and when we reached the top,
we missed the bottom,
and so we left.

klonopin keeps my knees from locking
and when my feet start shaking,
don't come knocking

benzos let me let go
frozen shoulders
aren't worth grabbing onto

deep sleep
lets me screen dreams
to replay on repeat,
so even a moment
or something worth holding
is transparent, translucent
transporting from me--
child hood memories
trampolines and skinned knees
never shook,
only rarely
was dependent in my vocabulary

and the next image of me
as a teen, awkwardly
standing in line
to take life
until I died
never a chance,
no shot,
never--

leads to today, the present
minipulative
clever fucking addicts
hide their stashes
in the attic
wrapped in plastic
and our gashes
feel like magic
when we die
we just imagine
we're deeply
aligned
with the beat
of our sleep.

the asian lady I paid
didn't touch me where I wanted to be touched
so I complained
three ways to sunday
where in between
I got so drunk
I threw up in my sleep
and when I came to,
wondered why
no shadows come for me.

Its 12:30 am, I have to wake for work at 6:30 am. I like my job but overly sympathize with people, people who have it worse than I do. I dream all day about which co-workers I should have sex with. One of them denied me, and she ended up quitting because socially, we're about as enept as a junior high school. I never thought I'd go to college, but I did. I didn't finish, and so I went to Florida. I didn't think Florida would fix me, so I went to philly-- because I had a friend finally. I spent all 10 days in the urban ground zero-- crack slinging outside of my halfway house. Half way, means your room mate will smoke crack and leave his shit all over your bed. Half way also means how far someone is willing to go to emulate a brother. You get about as close as cousins, and life takes place. I moved home from frankford, philadelphia-- treated like a child and babied and given an allowance, I applied for my first legitimate job, and was hired as an over night freight team operator. Translation: I broke down pallets of gallons of paints, or stocked boxes of tile-- 10 pm to 6:30 am.

I found a reason not to do it
pleased and fond
in season blonde on brunettes
make my whistle wet
politics amongst addicts
are always dead wrong
to rights, the right to forget

in hind sight,
was it better
in my blind spot
she shifts like glitter

how can you smile
when you're dying inside
its hind sight
its in hind sight

taught a lover
how to catch her a lover
wallow and swallow
so shallow it kills her
taught a lover
how to catch her a cold
shadowing some other
virus or nother

I thought
a lover
fully understood lost
I cant find my way back
and I'd never go back
fully understood lost
tapped on the gutter
to reach her asleep in the gutter
spun up like a manger
or carriage or nother

I turned blue
and the sky turned down
its lights
in this brilliant half sky

Telescopes turned towards you
on a hollow ground
a higher ground
here's to higher power
and stumbling around

only priests ask why
only squares believe priests
who circle checks in relief
that their peasants pay tarrif fees
who pay for indulgences
and pray not for you
but I turned blue and the half sky turned down
head lights
in this brilliant half sky

some morning
when the stars have been spent
mourn the warrior
wife child and life be repent
by a nuclear family
father martin the worrier
pushed down his hand and he
blew it all blew it all away.

I never took
my medication
my expectations
always budged through
I'm not indicating,
I'm just explaining
I have no reason not to

I may look sedated
it's all related
pharmacy petty, wrong hand played
penny pushers
there's a higher up aboard
scripts they just write more
casting the addict playing customer
and pharmacist type casted whore.

When its said and done,
then it'll be over
I'm not sweating ice yet
I'm not sweating ice yet
there's no need to panic
because when its said and done
everyone gets what they get.

today already feels like tomorrow
and ended up like the day started
i smoke the brand they always said that I oughta
but it sort of
feels far off
and I feel
particularly
pardoned
of all outsmarters.

last week
last week
left behind
in lieu of days
last week.

turn the cranks oh
keep the pace up
quick fast and its
whiplash
when they shake down
their dirty hands down
my leg
to my waste

wasted a lifetime
recognized a lifetime
that its fairly early,
is still a long time

sentence
direct demenstrate
to anyone you can
dominate
raise the stacks like dominoes
before its on wrong talk
that silent conversation
that turns shoulders,
I suppose
this tradition existed
before nations were formed
first families with
lots and lots of papers
coward shots toward later
when maybe someday
its worse to die on their knees
than win as a player
hard hitting truths that missrepresent
mutually asking
why the fuck
no passing go no
fucking idaho oh colorado
dustbowl snowballs
dust will blow
like its always done
and snow will melt
and dround the knowers
thinking and rising tip topping
towers; laws hiding lows
will float fine and high
till youre back turns upside
face down the wrong side

and it was always going to be this way
like will had a place
on or tongues or our faith
believing one man speaking
for all man
such a bad omen,
nobody noticed
and nobody cried.

High when I woke
the doctor's a joke
when he keeps insisting
on another prescription
21 and one new addition

I can't measure the length
of the meters of debt
to haunt me all throughout
life until death
and I'm buying my breaths
trying not to think of you--
silk eyes
hide the truth

testing the outcome
wondering how come
single is infinite
followed by things
I'm not proud of
that I'm gonna live out
silk eyes
hide the truth
silk eyes hiding from you.

aerospace child
we're binding our time
to a rocket that soars
in the sky
the distance is y
and you're partly my x
we'll suit up the pilot
so he's properly dressed

the air todays fine
yeah the weather is fine
where I am it gets better and better

nearing the end
of the edge of our flight
last call rounds make their way
down the aisle
proposing a notion
as all of the while
a wine glass tips from commotion

the air todays fine
yeah the weather is fine
where I
when I
whatever it takes me to get high

its better to free fall
than keep going
the same line
that you're tired of going
we dangle and swing
and kiss
crashing
with you
is the prettiest thing
I'll ever do.

I'm writing a letter
just to write you a letter
never seem to come any more
I noticed you posted
a note that I wrote
as a poem

oh its what I wanna know
while I'm wired,
I'm not tired
and so so I wanna know
where the suicides go

Writing a letter
just to write you a letter
living wills
documents to sign
because if someday means never
then I don't want to get better

i'd rather just leave it
letter
just leave it
I gather up the leaves like a feather
but if one day you could let her
know I was better once
maybe she'll start to remember.

Hey idiot
that purse
has a person
holding and cursing
the value of dollar bills
it'd rather not share;
Covering her chest
is a blouse or a dress
or some fabrication
hand me down--
thrift to impress

But hey asshole,
inside her head
behind glazed smiles
fake eyes, tired whining
brightened eyes
is ambition to never
have to make this decision
or be put in positions
that you only envisioned
or a night or a while
until you finished and cry

Hey pussy,
afraid of the dark
so you ran from the light
in between somewhere
you found nothing was right;
aimed for the apple
but the apple wasn't ripe
so you settled for the pit
of the plum, just the plum
or the way your gut
seems to plummit when you cum
and the moment you finish
its flight fight or run;
the fast lane on
the shoelace express;
what an awful expression
to describe the despondent.

Hammer while
I stammer down
a shout that sounds
much more like a whimper
I've got a problem
I need you to solve for me;
a fine notion
to live without technology
the woods or a city
where nobody'd bother me
and I could
hammer while I stammer down a shout

What makes you so proud
they're gonna let you down
they always come through
they always come through
don't want to be apart of
the lifer's of my town
they just let you down,
they'll just let you down

Stairs chairs
awkward standing
when everyone stares
guys armed
with girls on their arms
wasted waists the size of my arm
pretty pissed and sad
knowing the first
three god damn seconds
i'd be going home alone
cups cracking like knuckles
kings cap crowned from
some drinking game I must've won
or some sort-- walking out
stumbling screaming AA quotes
to my AA friends who were,
"disappointed," to say the least
outcast and outlast and rat races with me
sobriety? entirely
a lie to me-- violently a crime to be
stuck with no sollution
only problems, escape artists
facing head on; cliche's like a life sentence
much worse than 2 to 5
locked for life
the curse of the sentence
of one day at a time

black tops reflect against my face
the sun, the shade melt away either way
smashed tops from bottles
or rockets make a noise like a cap gun
aimed at your face

found a dollar
on the ground
a round on the curb
outside of your house
you only walked over

turn your face up loud
and bright
playing cool and proud
with pride tonight
turn your ears up loud and high
scale the walls with the back of a
suicide

walked a long way away
avenue b dizzy dreams
book stores are cheap
away from avenue a

it makes me sad,
sink to my stomach
faucet and cross it off of the map,
deaf ears don't listen
a forehead that glistens
talking poetry at the bar

turn your face up loud
and bright
playing cool and proud
with pride tonight
turn your ears up loud and high
scale the walls with the back of a
suicide

sign off
the voice dial is lost
a goodbye so harsh
it marred you

who you chose
won't know what you'll go through
when you see
the back of me
is all you'll see

as close as you'll ever get
again was once so
so now never's regressed

sign off
a conversation is gone
last words so short
i misread you,
stacks of lines of words
that only hurt

as close as you'll get
to hurt me
so sign off on me
as a possibility
and sign off on me
she'll sign off on me
like she's signing me off
and sign off on me
as a possibility
so sign off on me
as nothing at all.