batteries broke barriers
exploded on my mouth
over my face
now I glow,
and shout and hate
alkaline
and all things fine
make me glow
make it show
the worst part
about the dark
is I can't see you,
but watch me
I light up a room,
yeah see i grew
backwards
and sideways
and upside down.
shine and glow and glow and glow
shimmer show and show and no
glisten oh my no no no.

I started welbutrin, I get so depressed to the point where I feel like I've already commited suicide. Threats to myself, from myself, like a concerned parent or something. I look at everyone and try to find my nitch, as kevin said. My best remember whens are from rehab, and it makes everyone sad when I talk. I need to sleep this off, or shake it off, or shower it off.

a no nonsense good for less
heading out so deeply west
past philadelphia
no nonsense,
no nonsense
coherent if I do what they tell me
do what they tell me,
do you know what they tell me
I'm alone

I'll never be nothing
If i don't ask for something
I'll never be no one
if I can't be the one
who waits

waiting
a table for hours
no gratuity
just an attitude.

after hours always meant many things. I never liked sleeping, I was terrified I was going to be possessed when I was younger. Everyone in my life died in the night, why wouldn't the sultan of shadows take my heart but not crush the spark. I'd recite prayers nervously for sometimes an hour, nine and anxious-- praying my heart wouldn't implode from fear.

A boy is masturbating for the first time as you read this. An unlucky couple is having sex in a parked car. Someone is paying for sex from someone who is praying that they cum already. Face down in a lap, someone's daughter is kissing the ugliest part of someone with the same lips they've kissed their father with, or said "i love you daddy," with the same mouth. A child is dreaming of suicide, and a baby is born to become that child.

but I sit with my fly zipped, job interviews dancing in my head like amphetamines and a universe that is too large to ever wrap my mind around completely, or even a full percent. You can never fully understand the universe, other than in a word. I'm still terrified of sleeping, and overnights give the hint that the world is alive, even when you're not.

She took it away so I would stay faithful
I give and I give she only takes
busing tables doesn't pay well
I really wish they'd let me wait

down gyroscope
out liner notes
round wide and full
peek through the telescope

I come back I hate being ignored
I'd rather be someone to use
south street made me dizzy,
allure of youth and style hit me
grabbed a hold so tight I choked
forced me drinks and broke her hold
she walks away I see her passing
waving her hands like wands casting magic
fasten your straps lets go for a walk
the town is filled with streets and I can only seem to walk one

She took it away so I would stay faithful
I give and I give she only takes
all day long I'd hold her tight,
cause it don't pay to work overnights.

I make my money now the wrong way
I do what I can to get by
faking my death so they won't think of me,
a few years passed and they don't ask why.

Thundering loud
wide awake and shut your mouth
late breaks to be called out
a cloud of dust rolls
like lint
linger and dissolve again
breathe it in
exhale a different energy
abort, like a leprosy
make it sound good to me
I love to sit and watch you leave

New Jersey
dead locked in traffic
New Jersey
why hurry,
we're already late
for a garden state
shrubs and roses second place
New Jersey

Passed out again,
on a subway train
ugly, and so I cover my face
and cover my tracks
all the way to church lane
and pray to save my faith
restilled, yeah the refinery
no soles
my shoes are mine to keep
got them zip tied up
stumbling to get in a fight,
cocking my head to see

New Jersey
saw the smoke rise once
barely, too pure for my blood
why hurry,
it'll only take another week
to leave New Jersey
She shows soldiers
they're a returning from war
her shoulders
and baby so much more
than what's being pulled over,
and still there's something underneathe
New Jersey
Felt incomplete
down in NYC
avenue b,
stole a line from c
and Malcom's street
an avenue a ways a way
from 3rd and A
hopped on the bus,
a cigarette for lunch
over the bridge
until I flipped the switch
overdrive to off,
hoping just to sleep it off,
woke as a child again
drawing all the things we saw
outside new jersey.

visions veer side to side,
out of sight strictly stuck in mind
bending over backwards
trying not to scream
scrambled eggs and burnt toast
say how much you mean
certain styles like animals
noises like you've heard a ghost
pretending prettier visions
that don't remind me of prisons
climb through
shine to
shrines of me
inside of you-- got my pennies worth
better get my dollars worth
parking lots after dark,
"please do it already,"
am I good,
great-- all's well and all are ready
sturdy dead skin on your gurthy steady fingers
explode and climax-- resolved with no resolution
with a thousand pixels at my choice
its no wonder why there's so much confusion
saw you look like a sidewalk professional
or a priest staining the confessional
I just came but I'm ready to
leaving sick only trying to go home
the leaves are wet I'm trying to go home
the trees are bent still trying to go home
i'm never gonna find my way home.

The Wagon
First Issue---

Poetry
Commentary (Scotty)
Reviews***
Travel Guide



Poetry--- 4 random poems, explaination::

We hopped on board carelessly and whole heartedly before we knew what it was the wagon was dragging. Hope, or something as close to it as we could write or picture, without pictures-- without descriptions of visionless thoughts to be forced and flung like new flicks or the newest installment of the fad followings. There were so many days wasted watching for meaning in rooms where we weren't dying, we were attempting with the greatest desparations of wanting to see what else life had in store for not only us, but the rest of a country fallen to dreaming in circles. Remember whens like a disease that burrows and crawls and is never cured; only grows by more circles of remembering when "when" never happened. When could've been if, who, where, but not when. When was the safest route-- when was lying down still sulking and sunken.

I'm not sure when we hopped on board-- detoxes and behavioral hospitals, but we surely agree why.

I can't be this lonely
talking to a grown man
bitching and moaning
the world is round
spins round and round
the world is round
hugging the ground
the stool spins round
with my head on the ground

ceramic
trying not to think
one more shot
and I'll start crying
ceramic
I'm not really here

Here and now
hurry down
broadway, someway
far away
that doesn't say
what you don't say
and you won't stay

empty pockets,
lonely wandering
because the fare isn't paid
driving next to a couple,
where a gentleman pays your way.

Even when its supposed
to propose
a gentle notion
I suppose
to turn it up
and turn me on
it just makes me sad,

turns me off
turns me down,
it just makes me sad--
if you really have to finish,
make it quick
if we're really going through with it,
lets just do it

Don't be ashamed,
tamed stained names fade within days
Don't be afraid
the nay-say haters like whats tame

whatever gets you
do whatever gets you off,
alright.

The silent man shouts out
"New Jersey; East coast, East coast"
A violent man acts out,
"who heard me, I'm gonna learn you,"
One fist raised the other on his pocket watch
some kids play and wonder "whats this all about"
as they stop and watch
all there is to life is a feeble submission--
ceo's grant permission and nco's kill visions

if home is where you make it,
we better get started soon
its cold and there's no tell,
where I'll go to send a letter to you

Short cut routes and estimate
approximately celibate,
celebrate your sober date
and have a round on me
Torn up suits and destiny
drinking till you're next to me
I think I could make you shout
and scream

shed some truth,
Honestly, Probably
sed some truth
probably baby
make an honest man out of me

I told them all you're more than just
the girl around when I get drunk
the shots we kiss between before we order
the flowing strands of string we cut
to improvise one more act

The ground is tapped with copper wire
strapped strips roped proper attire
the golden age of digital days
tax cut breaks that never break
or, crest from the tidal wave of
deficits that never stay definite

Fragile


Rome fell too so don't feel much
ado, for something I don't love
for its namesake
a sad state, shake your head
but don't wake him
tip toe traveling across statelines
stationed in jersey city heights
I've gone this far,
what will I go back to.

Writing lies from a guiding light
shield your eyes or they'll wind up right
and take an idea or even a drag from you
Dead end jobs that promise a deal
minimum wage and the dreams they steal
With no degree in the lower field,

Miss come
miss come on back home,
Miss come
I got a home for you

Beating sheets on a beaten street
Dust and moth just need to eat
but they chose my sleeves
and socks and feet
Barefoot boys and gallop girls,
training for their lively roles
you're born to win
but you'll probably lose
shoot the caps and spin and spin and spin
the cowboy falls to the champion
cause he couldn't shoot the indian
the gallop girls laugh
and the cowboy holds his back

Miss come home,
I'd like to be with you now.

Shining slim slabs of silver Shining strips of sheet rock,
weighted up and ready to haul all cut up to air lock
all the straight studs straight studs students and bums
students and bums talking till their white in the gums
picking up the trash from the curb Lining tins of dust off
all they leave only hurts shakey plastic hands
trying to get the stash to the curb
Its an honest living Sure fire way, the only way I knew how
its an honest way
This novella taught me
much more than any university

Shimmy up the ladder
reaching for a hammer
the floorboards all cut loose,
rounded to a perfect oval
cutting corners to keep the overhead low
When you chose your route,
and I chose my route
I didn't know where I'd finally go

Nothing ever really upset me
slide shows, up and leave me
something forever nearly lasts a month,
why don't you believe me
Always knew I didn't have a use,
Except no one ever gave me proof

Stayed away,
and learned to make a nest
stayed away
and learned to make a nesting space

An apartment,
holding hands with Georgia,
in the south

Dropped to my knees
beneathe the clean cool closed in crawl
of the stall,
no wishing well to wish me well
weilding wasted dimes inside the urinal
better than the stall
piss on my dreams
but don't shit on me

Tired in a sick sort of way,
regrets lull me to bed
memories blare me to wake

Down in florida
with no order (nary) few
who saw the same side of
the cities as the one that I had too
with the eyes that shine familiar
back and forth projecting stiller
silent moments when it all went to hell

to the basement and the attic
just in case you start to panic
there's a cure they're selling for
a nickel sack
its worn and black
just like the back
of the parade on china day
just a few weeks in reverse
this year the lions
ate the pisces
my sign, no not the lion
just the pisces
squirming sad little fish

you threw your pole
in some hole
in the ice
where it shown
a few feet of water
"and I'm tired,"
yeah I know
just a few more blocks
we'll just hop the subway
waiting the station
we're there, yet we're lost
marking our patience
with bottles of rainbows
puddles of drips
dropping scorched from my smoke
half of a cig, half of my lungs
more than a third of the way,
on the train

tally the times
that I was short of willed
marry the light
to the darkness I'm thrilled
and enthralled
engulfed and stained wool
of the dropper,
dropped at the next stop
dirty bathroom stalls
brilliant times square
born broad and sturdy
straw man who hurts me
just let me borrow a bill for a while
smiling forcing
a smile's fourth course
when it all just seems like
a frown from before
and she's evening the score
because 1 and 1 is more
than just one of us copping
and not ever stopping
till late in the night
we run out of steam,
the very last dream that we had in our youth
burning so soon
I awoke nearing 20
just a decade too soon

to bloom,
wilting flower
no hip hip hoorays
on the last day of days
I woke in a casket
shaped detox bed
asking for led
catching my lead,
begging to feed
me food and pills
vitamins to free me
from disease but I chose
a softer way
cheeking remedies
seeking memories
sleeping the day,
the next decade away.

Florida's bunch of
solid hit slumps,
carried over 1,000 miles from
asking the time,
in the square--
she took the local
I took the express,
solemn and hopeful
she's still holding her breath.

Standing on the edge
of palisades cliffs with a vision
decision thats too hard to make
I'm only young this once
I'll only be young this once
Had a hard time down in the city
and parked cars down your street
But all the young are entitled some
to get it while the going is fun

Turn me down,
spin around stop slowing motion
turn me down,
I only want one to dull
the growing emotions
and quiet things down,
i'm quieting this chatter down
Turn me down,
chatter down, quiet down

moving your mouth and holding your tongue
clenching your teeth till their numb
I've got nothing to say,
I rarely have something to say
Plug me like a hole, and filler up
rounds until we're hitting the ground
you talk so much about constant clean
mapping out a life that you call ours
that I don't want a part in

Turn me down,
spin around stop slowing motion
turn me down,
I only want one to dull
the growing emotions
and quiet things down,
i'm quieting this chatter down
Turn me down,
chatter down, quiet down

I've never understood porn. It's much too difficult for me to be aroused by something I know 20,000 other people have seen. Especially these amateur websites that pop up and lock up my entire computer-- I feel sorry for these girls. I regret ten thousand years of the male superiority complex forcing these girls to fuck for money. When I was a little kid I used to think it made me sound like a man saying things like, "I want to be a pornstar." Looking back, changing my thinking then could've probably saved me a lot of pointless flings with a lot of girls that were probably more sick than I was.

Enabling is a strange disease itself. By watching porn I'm silently yet visibly encouraging this franchise. The girls I used to sleep with never seemed to mind my drinking problems, among countless other problems. Why do girls, especially, love to try and fix people? I remember countless times walking drunk, half blacked out, lining up to take the walk across town to show something pretty, the ugliest part of me. Alone on the turnpike, what a drag, the main stretch that is never lit fully, and always strands a car or so when the clock is lagging somewhere around 3, someone before 4. I would hide in the bushes just to urinate, and was convinced someone was watching me. I never cared, and many times found myself on the highway stumbling until I'd fall asleep or make it home.

So many times I'd wind up on someone's bed with my pants around my ankles wishing I didn't have to search for affection by bringing myself to this low point. This I thought, was a highlight of my youth. Outstretched names and girls and places I'd sell myself for, just to make it through the night. Until drugs and girls were a close first and second. Sometimes, I'd fake an orgasm just to go home--- get loaded and watch porn. Even then, I'd find myself on webcam websites paying 10 dollars a show to take them away from this hell for a minute. I never even asked to see them naked, I just knew they were getting paid, and thought about how lonely I was, and how lonely they must have been too. A lot of these times would make me feel a lot worse, because I thought that was surely where my flings were headed.

Clear headed, I remind myself now that they're not exactly lookers, or sane. But everyone looks for love, whether we find it on a website, on the recieving end or drunk and crying, not wanting this to be their life. Look at your mistakes, and if you choose to keep making them, you're more fucked up than you thought.

I woke up once
and was out of time
the appointment cancelled my spot twice
make a mark and hit it on the dot


I hit him just to knock him down
I didn't think he'd just stay down
black and bruised like the cracked up
unpaved ground
I'd like it if you came to be
I'd like it if you came to see
I'd like it if you can to be with me

at twenty one we've just begun
i put the beer down
this is pointless.

found a negative polaroid,
void if previous use,
avoid meeting you
stuck in a gutter
of sun and rain that won't show
its ugly face these days
of blue and gray to damper on your day

Saw you smiling now
only upside down
all of these
people couldn't be
as in love with chasing the tail of a dream

Wonder
and wander
all over timesquare
and journal square
and you're not there.

trouble seemed to grab a hold
tugging at my ear, all the advice i'm told
falling beside me
in a puddle, sad and clean
you got from a book you borrowed once
but didn't ever read

I passed out on the square
and there you appeared
walking in circles
talking in circles,
your place in the middle
like you're standing there on purpose

I don't want to write anymore.

Last Year

A zig zagbecame so good at zagging,
a chorus tried to coerce zag
to not zig;
mellow little zig zag,
thought that zigging would make him
an artist of the heart,
if he felt that zigging
described how felt
so he scribbled
instead of zigging,
and dragged his cuffs
instead of wearing a suit
that wasn't his.
"but life is beautiful
when the moon is full
your words are ugly
and you need to learn melody"
said a stern looking elder
woman from some crowded pocket
of family
Magically,
I zagged when I should've zigged
and everything tasted like
my family described--like some sort of success
I didn't want,
some ugly poem
that read beautifully;
resplendence from a neon light,
and I wish, that I could die
but it wouldn't erase
the memory and marks--the trace and tracks
desicrated deserted draftless
fucking disguised, and now i'm left alone
and not the alone I wanted
all this time
Everything I taste,
tastes like silver,
and my fingerprints are green
and my morals are dollars
and my family's digging my grave
and reaching in my pocket
all this time,
I should've zigged
instead of zagged.

Rinse Gently

"So lie to me
about sobriety
wild and child-like
12 steps could save me
if I was 11 steps away from the edge"

Sometimes I forget where the whole "JDespers" thing comes from. I forget why my mother even bothered having me. My productivity level is somewhere between cripple and a rubber stapler. Working at night depresses me, and ever since I quit doing drugs and drinking I can't find a reason to be happy. Writing made me happy, but now my head just takes up space on top of my shoulders. I'm dumb-muscle and obviously a victim. My "inner voice" is of a woman. I get these knots in my chest whenever anyone talks to me-- I'm trying so hard to force myself to be interested, but really nothing leaves me wanting to get out of bed anymore. I'm not depressed, I just can't bring myself to buy into all of this bullshit-- iphones and things I don't care about. I'm gonna move to shytown and fit right in. Or Phoenix-town and melt, or Portland and play music. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be 40 still trying to write music-- like Bret Michaels or something embarassing.

fell asleep wishing I were somebody else,
woke and breathed with a sigh
trying to remember
to forgive myself
but this is neither the place
or the time
entertain the notion that comes back in my head
like i'm actually telling the truth
lived a bunch of lies and the promises said
until I broke them for you


stores won't close
cause you're not around
standing on her tip toes
you're so close
never coming down
an inch rising rose oh rose,
try to stay in today

grasping for a bottle
it'll save you the pain
if you take a pill or two
forcing out a smile
that hangs around for a while
until you're out of blues
maybe someday we can try
to be happy with what we've got
someday oneday I think I might
actually love you.

Depression was a line in the thirties
for you to walk away
with a cause to desert me
Depression held some stock in the 20's
but blew away like dust and rusted
causing causing problems
because you love to hurt me.

Worry since you can
clear head for problems
god sends things my way
just to dissolve in the solvent
of beer, and piss
pills and things
that take away the strain
of a full days work
passing time with bulls eyes
shots ringing full time
over time and out of line
I said, "I didn't think I was an answer."
You have all the answers,
pretty little dancer
shitty little obvious choice
don't you know you're
another symptom for those boys
who strain
and say,
"I didn't think she was an answer,"
its just a complication
of getting so high
its just an indication
to foreshadow my life

21 years and the bar still saves a seat for me
when I was 9 I hung so high off the ground
counted back from 100 and blacked out after 40
the belt broke and thunder crashed a sound
of my head that fell off and never fell back on

yeah and for a second I could see myself at 21
I waved goodbye and figured,
maybe I'm just nobodys son
maybe I'm just nobody's son
could've would've should've,
ay dad?
maybe I am nobody's son.

Older Guy
shyer than I
over nights
late in the day
breaks empties and replay
saying the same ideas not to say
Loud out loud
its not allowed, the clock
is tracking the times
I weave through the lot
May beat lack luster razors away
shoveling gravel and maybe some paint
maybe some day my arms will be strong
Fire arm,
tired arms
tires and armor off
all the walls
Afar cries a victim
thrown from his car
the cops seem to hover
and twinkle like stars
arm and arm with their brother
we sound the alarm.

When the day
has gone
and the sky sings
its curtain song
I'll have a rose,
so you know
not to hurry in august
a bouqet
luckily bought

Dipped in ink
to turn black roses pink;
blue collars white
day into night
morning rows like a steam ship freight
falling in love
climbing up hate

"I hate the birds,
they sing much too loud,"
the male bird letters
his calls to tell how
a swan can stay strung
with its same lover
and not look at another--
never notice another
"The sun-- my eyes,
blinds even the blinds"
High tide,
in seaside
the motel's dirty
just how I feel
clean and serene
lacking appeal
"Smell the salt,"
smell the street
cleaning lady
stomping her feet
"Miss,"
or hit, or shoot the shit
breath on the back of my neck
kissing your knees,
loving your sheets
anything that covers you
is sacrilege
but anything that touches you
must be magic.

Control
blue brass bones
slowest in show
to recover the whole
Decompose,
I suppose
is the flare and the flow
of how all things go

What a hold
while we knew what to do
who's gonna tell us to stop
What a hold
wildly you shut things down
rearing to go

Introvert
outside your skirt
under your leggings
I found a tag
cut with a knife,
tailor the side
outsides gush
stop love,
inside is fine
inside is lovely
you knew to stop
before I'd even go

said an alibi,
the witness
over wits end
had it up to here and here
and here she said
explodes the demolition
because we don't live there
sold the house
they took the furniture half off

oh we're fucking for keepsake
fucking mistakes
are just great,
clearing the dishrack
empty your plate
fucking for first,
and fucked alone in last place.

he'll take you home
tonight and give that dress a purpose
roughed up quick love
have just one have just one
antidotes that make you worthless

Christmas Eve
hit like a disease
the choir, quiet
harmonies--
Deck the ward
with trees of straws
leaning chores
grinding gnaw
clicking your heels
while I'm clenching my jaw
Pretty in jail
meet an ugly withdrawn

Christmas day
you had nothing to say
so I packed up backed up
walking away
Status 2, or 3, or 4
Energy and light,
as you know
just glow,
glow
sparkle the night
makes a pretty occasion
alone in the light
while the snowstorm is fading

Can we
could you
can you would you
pretend I won't disappear
like a plot in a dream
clotting our knees
and necks to lean
smooth to our cheeks
lips to i.v
i'll try for you
if you remember me

Alone the car
jagged jerking
pissy and swerving
"know how far,"
florida can go
deep in the fleet
of the elderly
ordering drinks
no one delivered to me
and go out.