Megan sucked my dick. She had me fuck her face. I felt slightly disgusting, but everything we did led directly towards that point-- the ugly, sloppy slobbing slirping static of the moment before I was done with the deed, and the moment after where I wish I was dead.

I met her at an AA meeting, she shared about how thankful to god she was for having him bring her there, and how money was becoming an obstacle. Her wavy blue eyes didn't match her black dress that screamed, "tear me out of this." Her hands were gentle, but something about her mannerisms suggested that she was a bit less than stabled and structured and fine lined and dandy.

I shared after, "I remember in Detox, I had a choice between a chicken dish, a beef dish and grilled cheese. I'd order grilled cheese everyday, but for some reason my head was so fucked up still that I couldn't remember what I had ordered when it was time for lunch and dinner." The room erupted in a sort of golf-clap of laughter. "The point is, when I moved home from Philly, I knew that I needed to make clean friends-- you know, and I needed to hear as many messages as I could. Money doesn't matter, fuck, pride doesn't matter. The only thing that ever really matters is what I could do to help myself stay sober."

Megan caught my eye, and I started to feel this awkward feeling--

"The kind of awkward where you're not sure if someone is looking at you, or waiting for a response. Or, if you're going to say the wrong thing and then they'll just think 'this person looks pretty, but they're actually slow, or not worth my time,' Lauren would explain; I'd identify, and little energized strings of love illuminated from a once hollowed out rotten old chest, and sprung through her finger tips on the other end of the phone.

The rest of the meeting was stuck in a spiral-- I couldn't stop looking at her for approval; a nod, a smile, anything that invited me over to her.

Afterwards, when all was said and done I walked out with my hands in my pockets, and thanked someone for having said something encouraging.

"Joey-- I'm Megan. It's so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for what you said before, it really helped me." Her face was round, but it was soft and silky, much like a rose. I couldn't help but notice her lips were chapped, which made me feel like she'd been doing coke. The way she spoke was much too quick and overly sincere for me to believe it, even just at first glance.