elliott smith makes me sad to listen to.. I sorta feel like I have a brother, or someone I would've grown into, or something. This awkward, uncomfortable confession of everything I wish I could say. And I feel really depressed today. When I quit doing drugs, I became a hypochondriac, uncomfortable and lost any bit of confidence I thought I'd gotten. I got confidence by doing all of the wrong sorts of things. I remember poems when I was so high I thought my heart was going to explode, today I get so scared because I just feel tired all of the time, and feel a lot like if I go to sleep I won't wake up. I remember these poems, and they're kind of comforting, but in more of a distance; like watching the train come knowing its going to hit you soon. It just hasn't come through, I can't hear the whistle or see the conductor, but I'm sure I know who it is driving it. I wish I could be happy, give up all of these bullshit ideas and thoughts. I feel everything for the first time in too long, or in my whole life. I'm aware of all of my decisions and actions and thoughts and feelings and its overwhelming and hard to deal with. I want to call you sunshine, or something. I stopped taking my medication. All of it. I feel a lot worse than I thought I'd feel. I feel bad on it too.