karma set me off in sparks
a walk through the dark
no one knows why
she told me convincing
conviction
to stay alive
some girls,
can't take their own advice

I'm stuck in a place
where everything is gray
cat eyes swell and take over your face
screaming un-syllabically
makes me want to
raise a blade
to my face
and trace down to yesterday
dragging notes like my arms
were something beautiful,
meaningful like a briefcase,
instead its just a brief case, a quick smile
brief case of the ivy days
white line, drawn across my eyes

a spinning room
and come to terms
when no one waits their turn
she comes at night, stands burn
little breaths that hurt my neck
I wanted it to end,
but now I just pretend
everything is set for a better way,
but nothing seems to change
and nothing goes my way
and when I wanted tomorrow to come
I was dragged back into yesterday
and when I wanted change,
they gave an i.o.u,
an "I-L-U," but not this time

shoot up all the shit,
whisper the ways
of what we could stay
alone in your complex
nothings ever easy,
nothing just came easy
and I'm sorry,
believing a charm off a gypsy
is worth dying for
well its not.

Somethings happening too fast
brash rash thoughts won't pass
grappled turning points
its all just lower case
check my breath and pause my pulse
is well, pulsing through my face

Piss clean and serene
rotten fucking day dreams,
are anything but clean
simple dirty, baby
you're sad,
well I'm down
but not out yet
I have two days left
to be spiritually fit,
eternally lifted?
shifted jaws and gum jams
from grinding my teeth
oh amphetamine crammed
crank smoking, low rolling
high balling son of a mother
who gave up her youngest,
to care for another
and fucked her own father
and created a toddler
who never was at day one,
and got stuck at two months

oh no, i'm just looking to go
where the wild things go
all the same in the end
yeah yeah we're just looking to send
the empty part of my head
that fiddles with paint
and fills up with led
down the river again
oh my, its kinda hard to stay high
when you're gearing to go as low
as I go
hey hey and everythings great
smoke the core of the apple
munching on grapes
oooh you, fucking fruit of the fruit
loin of the chosen
heart of the broken my
and its time after time
oh, no and now I'm being recycled
she cries I'm drowning in spin cycles.

Its so quiet,
fuzzy flakes fall off the sky
"boo,"
did I scare you,
hurt you, alerted
she wakes up in the nightlights
don't feel sorry, angela
its only detox

Its so violent,
sudden shakes the freeze me alive
"yelling; screaming"
did I wake you,
make you hate me
she's asleep down the hallway
don't feel sorry, angela
its only detox

Terry's a man
who saw another man
stab his brother for loving
his woman
shattered a mirror;
and looked for an appearance
to see only Terry looking up
from the fire escape

Try to escape,
darling just wait
my head is afloat
and a bottle's my pillow
full-time drunk,
part time scum
maybe some night I could sing to you love,

Me and this guitar
are going places
I wish we could take you,
only in my heart,
oh dear in memories
in 3 months from now
you won't even remember me

Kiss me goodbye,
though its not time
I can't, no I won't
think I'll go if I can't kiss you one time
Kiss me good boo,
i don't know you
but I couldn't love you
if I knew how to
no I couldn't love you
even if I knew how to.

set aside your dancing shoes
they've been standing still
with scuffs from use
wore them once when you were used
today theres a different reason to wear them shoes

i wanna be the culprit
sabotage love,
throw him out,
yeah yeah
the only one
rusted colored razors
come undone
burnt bics and made up late
at night, to take a picture alone

let me know you're dying,
how bad it hurts
and when you're dying
i'll dress you in your favorite shirt
the best last impression you can give
i'm alone forever,
eternity
words and slurs and photos
that only hurt me
pack up back up desert me,

leave it alone
we're almost through
or am i
finally getting through to you

elliott smith makes me sad to listen to.. I sorta feel like I have a brother, or someone I would've grown into, or something. This awkward, uncomfortable confession of everything I wish I could say. And I feel really depressed today. When I quit doing drugs, I became a hypochondriac, uncomfortable and lost any bit of confidence I thought I'd gotten. I got confidence by doing all of the wrong sorts of things. I remember poems when I was so high I thought my heart was going to explode, today I get so scared because I just feel tired all of the time, and feel a lot like if I go to sleep I won't wake up. I remember these poems, and they're kind of comforting, but in more of a distance; like watching the train come knowing its going to hit you soon. It just hasn't come through, I can't hear the whistle or see the conductor, but I'm sure I know who it is driving it. I wish I could be happy, give up all of these bullshit ideas and thoughts. I feel everything for the first time in too long, or in my whole life. I'm aware of all of my decisions and actions and thoughts and feelings and its overwhelming and hard to deal with. I want to call you sunshine, or something. I stopped taking my medication. All of it. I feel a lot worse than I thought I'd feel. I feel bad on it too.

take a hard look back on your life,
21 one years and too sad to cry
and a stained glass
let the pain pass
always half gone,
its just half gone
couldn't fill up
your heart like a cup
go to sleep when there's no one to love
they're all long gone,
they're all long gone

the clock is at half past
one,
and you're not quite done
the bottle is half capped
and plugged
but you're still just drunk

I was swimming out to the raft
the current was too strong to out match
I just wanted to be one of the crew,
not a pale kid who wants to be one of you
so I'm drowning and it seems like
when I was young I
stared at the mirror, when I was alone
and I dreamt that someone would know
coming into an open door
stay a while, and a while more

i heard the rhythm
as you tapped away
black hair
that only fades
and brown eyes
that dissipate to gray,
all those nights
I wish these friends of yours
were friends of mine
and these prayers they shared
were something I believed

Now the prayers I preach
are cursing chants
suffering alone,
vintage jackets and
ripped jean pants
doc martens-- I look like,
someone I saw you with,
or thought you'd look great with,
my name's Jay,
I thought I'd say,
wish I knew yours.