today I repent for
days spent in excess
and premiscuous sex;
drugs came and went
and I lied to a girl
who I swore was my girl,
but to coward's delight
was nothing more than a whore
capitalized on the bright,
sad dark future I had
of a poet of songs oh,
an addict of rights
who was stopped in the tracks
of the path's he would write

and I gained 6 pounds this week
off amphetamines, all I do is eat
and I lied to the world
self assured that I'm clean
and serene and my life is a dream
that I love to see, and awake
and envy no man who stands in the way
of the wake of the next
when I'm obsessed with sex
and I can't stand being clean

once there were visions
recurring so violently
they'd rock me to sleep
as dear apparitions
too terrified to frighten me;
god's that I prayed to
as my heart shook;
tea time free basing
coke that I cook--
cut with excedrine
to come down off ephedrine
reciting some pray or some sort
while the dead sin,
od'ed on the way
to my very own grave
hopping the car
popping the locks and
a will to my next of kin
in my pocket;

and its two weeks later,
what do I have to show
two weeks off of drugs
of which I boast, and I boast
I isolate from my friends
because I love being alone,
ignorance is shit
whilst intolerance is bliss
I didn't do it for Chris
or for God, just for this

Thoughts as a child
irratic and wild
like static broke silence
with suicide trials
as a child;
then the following year
it appeared that I cared
for the friends I held close
and family dealt dear
severe blows towards my own
my grandfather choked
as they rushed in the snow
to revive but did not survive
this insidious hoax;
or the uncle whose throat
was engulfed by a hole
in the basement the kids chased him
down till he fell
in the silence of weeping
in the deepening well;
two months apart
and where do I start
but to delve into depths
of the crypts of three scripts
that would lead me to death;

first there was morphene
to keep a slow heartbeat;
amphetamines speed,
balls and parties and all;
lastly to sleep
they provided relief
in the shape of a pill
namely benzodiazapine;
so I'd wake, then sleep;
then the last three I'd dream
till sleep was the enemy
of escaping reality

down the ladder,
up the ladder
everyone dies the higher they go
and weeds just grow to replace
the latter;
and I--

the trifling stifling
duke dwelling rifling
single file bathroom tile
od again
and go out in style,
but to no one's delight
I awoke in the night
with sheets hocked
to my eyes;
so detox the week of
christmas eve; merry sweet blessings
the virgin's incest and grief
brings forth the week
towards summit's worst streets
and florida's beach
on new years eve;
to philly's worst block,
worst city, brought me
the worst I had seen
halfway between
here and new york and paterson
jersey city
frankford's shitty stale donuts
and sandwhiches; foodstamp dollars
ebt, b.e.t. masterlocks and south philly
actually sent me back home
to get clean;
and stay clean

I didn't cry as I froze
I'd rather die like a pro
and the best message is the ending
as most junkies know;
to die before the ink dries
on this suicide note..