after hours always meant many things. I never liked sleeping, I was terrified I was going to be possessed when I was younger. Everyone in my life died in the night, why wouldn't the sultan of shadows take my heart but not crush the spark. I'd recite prayers nervously for sometimes an hour, nine and anxious-- praying my heart wouldn't implode from fear.

A boy is masturbating for the first time as you read this. An unlucky couple is having sex in a parked car. Someone is paying for sex from someone who is praying that they cum already. Face down in a lap, someone's daughter is kissing the ugliest part of someone with the same lips they've kissed their father with, or said "i love you daddy," with the same mouth. A child is dreaming of suicide, and a baby is born to become that child.

but I sit with my fly zipped, job interviews dancing in my head like amphetamines and a universe that is too large to ever wrap my mind around completely, or even a full percent. You can never fully understand the universe, other than in a word. I'm still terrified of sleeping, and overnights give the hint that the world is alive, even when you're not.