the heart broken other lover
splashing in southern comfort
smashed to his teeth
when it bombs
hits lows while dragging his feet
but you'll convince yourself
it was a treat.

you'll convince yourself it was a treat
you'll convince yourself it

was the decent attempt
not a recent event
that condemns any action
you're making
excuses he
my face and back
all while she
convinces herself it was a treat
convincing myself this is not me.

why do you do what you do
what you do what you say
when I don't feel the same
way that you may say
you do
what you do why you do what you do

smoke outs
and danced at the bonfire,
we lit the joint
made our grooves
on the front lawn
imprints of bodys
that never would feel wrong

in my head
in a carbomb
with a door ajar
i drown to death
before you heard her hear
more like a cough
and less like a last breath

I went to high point-- the highest peak of new jersey
I nursed a hangover, sweating out all of the toxins
from a night of binge drinking black outs
broke; broke out wads like a big shot
and now I'm just nodding
took a handful
and jerked off.
I decided the most defiling thing to do to any woman
is to fuck her in her ass
I went to a meeting
and tried hard not to show
that I was sweating
and thinking more of poems
and love notes,
than I was of staying clean
you can't bottom out
when you're bottomless
because the hole you dig
never fucking ends
just starts in the middle
and works itself forward
or backwards
circle jerking bunch of bastards
no one will give me what I want,
no one will sell me what I want
so all I got is all I got
but I went to high point,
the highest peak in new jersey
and climbed 220 feet
in a spiraling stair case
and when we reached the top,
we missed the bottom,
and so we left.

klonopin keeps my knees from locking
and when my feet start shaking,
don't come knocking

benzos let me let go
frozen shoulders
aren't worth grabbing onto

deep sleep
lets me screen dreams
to replay on repeat,
so even a moment
or something worth holding
is transparent, translucent
transporting from me--
child hood memories
trampolines and skinned knees
never shook,
only rarely
was dependent in my vocabulary

and the next image of me
as a teen, awkwardly
standing in line
to take life
until I died
never a chance,
no shot,
never--

leads to today, the present
minipulative
clever fucking addicts
hide their stashes
in the attic
wrapped in plastic
and our gashes
feel like magic
when we die
we just imagine
we're deeply
aligned
with the beat
of our sleep.

the asian lady I paid
didn't touch me where I wanted to be touched
so I complained
three ways to sunday
where in between
I got so drunk
I threw up in my sleep
and when I came to,
wondered why
no shadows come for me.

Its 12:30 am, I have to wake for work at 6:30 am. I like my job but overly sympathize with people, people who have it worse than I do. I dream all day about which co-workers I should have sex with. One of them denied me, and she ended up quitting because socially, we're about as enept as a junior high school. I never thought I'd go to college, but I did. I didn't finish, and so I went to Florida. I didn't think Florida would fix me, so I went to philly-- because I had a friend finally. I spent all 10 days in the urban ground zero-- crack slinging outside of my halfway house. Half way, means your room mate will smoke crack and leave his shit all over your bed. Half way also means how far someone is willing to go to emulate a brother. You get about as close as cousins, and life takes place. I moved home from frankford, philadelphia-- treated like a child and babied and given an allowance, I applied for my first legitimate job, and was hired as an over night freight team operator. Translation: I broke down pallets of gallons of paints, or stocked boxes of tile-- 10 pm to 6:30 am.

I found a reason not to do it
pleased and fond
in season blonde on brunettes
make my whistle wet
politics amongst addicts
are always dead wrong
to rights, the right to forget

in hind sight,
was it better
in my blind spot
she shifts like glitter